I Used to FILL MY FEELINGS
WHAT IF WE JUST FEEL OUR FEELINGS?
OHH holidays! Fun, sure but can we acknowledge some of the internal hell - the agony and anxiety of seeing family we know all too well? Home for the holidays used to mean retreating back to the feelings I felt as a kid and a teen. And in tandem with my feelings, arrived my repressed patterns and childlike behaviors I used to stuff deep inside because I didn’t know HOW to actually feel what I was feeling. So instead of feeling, going home for the holidays meant avoiding: with another glass of wine, or another spoonful of the inside of my mom’s delicious pecan pie. Even better is the year (pic above), of quarantining myself in the kitchen and cooking the entire Thanksgiving meal so I didn’t have to talk to anybody — or hear their opinions on what I did or didn’t eat. Can you relate?
It’s assumed that adults grow up and grow out of said habits but adults are just children in adult costumes, still harboring the same fears and anxieties we had as kids, actually. Until recognize our patterns and embrace that we have everything we need. But first let’s feel our feelings!
I used to be afraid to fly home because of the chance I’d eat my unfelt feelings in my mom’s overstuffed pantry. Food was always my coping mechanism. I numbed my sadness instead of acknowledging my depressed. I thought I could control my emotions by stuffing or starving, but that certainly didn’t make me feel any less! When we get lost in our thoughts, autopilot turns on and being present shuts off. Too often we end up Filling instead of fueling. But this behavior isn’t just related to celebrations! In real time, all the time, we’re either FUELing ourselves or FILLing ourselves with what is for or against us — food, thoughts, people … I so often living in New York City and stopping at the corner store on my way home from a bad date, just to fill the lonely feelings with a piece of candy or two…
Just the other night, I caught myself numbing. My boyfriend made me dinner and it was damn good, but the conversation was a doozy because we’re new to this dating game, three months in and just learning. And it feels HARD. We had a minor tear just after I sent my last newsletter about leaning into intimacy. And since, I’ve just been listening more intimately to how I’m feeling, because really, intimacy starts and ends with me. More on that next week … But instead of sitting with the discomfort of an intense conversation, I distracted myself with the salad and fat soaked roast vegetables he made me as we were trying to decide both the state of our relationship and simultaneously planning a trip this weekend. I overate.
This is normal. I am, we are human. And overdoing one meal is OK. But the release would have been so much deeper if I’d just said what I felt instead of eating my words + all the other things.
It’s never about what or how much we consume. It’s not about the food at all - or the booze, sex, dating, gaming, gambling, expertise or insert your vice here ___________. So lets instead name the feelings, the empty we’re filling, the motivation as to why we’re distracting. It isn’t fun to be reminded of childhood memories, or have to sit next to the weird uncle that undresses you with his eyes, be questioned about your relationship status or receive comments about your body or otherwise. And while it might sound more fun to just get wasted or escape it, instead, recognize. Name the feeling.
To this day, it feels challenging to “just go home,” even though my home is filled with as love. But growing up, my feelings were too deep, and I didn’t have the tools to understand what I was feeling, surrounded by love but void of feeling anything. Returning home brings me back to solitude, the unworthy, loneliness of having no one to talk to about my multiple traumatic experiences. So this year, I’m not going! Avoidance? Perhaps. But I prefer choice or autonomy — actively choosing what feels good for me. I am so grateful for my family and who I am becoming. Just last year I wrote this ambiguous post, about the ability to be grateful and grieving simultaneously.
I wanted so badly to be seen, but I wasn’t ready to speak about my trauma yet openly. Note to self: You don’t owe anyone anything, no explanation needed for how you are feeling. So —
A reminder in the event we lose the present moment and get lost in our thoughts and stuck in emotion:
1. FEEL Your body: Get grounded in your breath and your feet🦶
2. Face the feelings you’re filling - acknowledge them! Instead of stuffing or starving.
3. If you get stuck, literally get up. Move yourself out of your way.
And if we slip up, SO WHAT? Forgiveness is key. Let’s stop shaming and self blaming By naming the feelings, the empty we’re filling, and instead grant ourselves the grace that we are HUMAN beings, not machines. Forgiveness is the freedom we give ourselves. We’re not lost, we’re LEARNING. It’s a journey. Grant yourself permission, the grace to keep growing intimately so that we can be seen. Let’s start feeling. What a gift. Happy everything. xx, Olivia
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If you’re looking for someone other than yourself to hold you accountable,
I have 3 coaching spots left. learning to trust ourselves is essential.
Related posts:
My Untold Story
Finding Food Freedom
#flowthruthefight™️ #everythingyouneedisinside™️