Leaning into Me: Intimacy II
INTIMACY, In 3 Parts I’ve been spending time, intimately, thinking about intimacy, since last time I posted about falling into me, and opening up physically. I’m sharing these diary entries because I know my feelings are not unique. We are all beings, with feelings. Maybe by sharing mine, you won’t feel so alone in yours. After a year of uprooting my past, finding stillness, and learning to just BE with me without doing, I feel more clarity: RADICAL SELF LOVE is what I seek and it starts and ends with me. After I posted my last story about intimacy, a client called to ask, “what does vulnerability even mean?” To which I replied, “Just start listening.” Be it with yourself or another, we can only connect to the extent we’ve connected to ourselves — physically and emotionally. I will always be learning. I am listening to my heart and my body. Intimacy is an inside job.
Part 2: November 28, 2021
I made Thanksgiving dinner, just us two. He wanted to go away, I wanted to stay. We had been arguing about nothing basically, but travel felt like a bandaid. So I winged Thanksgiving, made a menu last minute, shopped without planning for anything. He was kind, offered to join me, but I’m a kitchen control freak. We spent the day connecting over everything delicious, but untraditional, no turkey, no stuffing. I made tangy braised short ribs, round two, after burning the first batch, mildly, and chicken wings over braised cabbage and leeks because I love the way the fat gets into the veggies. Miso, sage, ghee Kabocha squash, and sourdough for dipping, and opted out of pie and into date cacao pecan truffles. We hadn’t spent the day together so seamlessly in forever. He brought presents and flowers and handwritten notes. It was gorgeous - he is a gorgeous, graceful, honest man. But we’re both still learning. So Thanksgiving, new traditions, year one. It could be the only one. What I do know is that it felt right. No rush, no fuss, just us. I was worried he’d miss his family or regret that he was here, but he didn’t. It’s like I project all the fears I have upon him and assume he feels the same way but he’s clear. Or claims to be.
All was well until the following day, when we continued to play with friends for drinks. My body doesn’t like drinks - before I knew it I had wine number two and what was meant to be a one drink meet, became 9:30pm and Olivia was hangry.
WHY DO I PUSH PEOPLE AWAY? AM I PUSHING HIM AWAY?
I behaved like a child. He fell asleep next to me but at some point I kinda told him to leave and I woke up the next morning apologizing. “I’m bringing you coffee, can we talk?” I still expect that he’s going to be the kind of dick I used to date that would respond with something mean, or even potentially ghost me. I waited for him to wake up while watching Halle Berry’s Bruised on TV. Suffice it to say I far too closely relate to her story, the internal struggle - the trauma, the fighting. I cried in my meditation blanket, messy, acknowledging how bruised I’ve felt from my past history, replaying my patterns in this new relationship thing. It’s one thing to do the work, solo - which has been my experience to date, but to do it while coupled, is a whole other thing. I keep trying to push him away, picking at small things, because I’m not yet used to someone who wants to stay - who sees me fully. And yet I know that I attracted him because I finally see me. As I lean into this intimacy, I’m learning about him as I’m learning about me. And whether it works out long term or just another week, I trust that this journey is exactly as it should be.
We met an hour later and he held me as I cried in my lemongrass tea. It sucks to fight with your partner, but what sucks even more is fighting over nothing. Funny enough, he didn’t care about the night prior. We spent the day calmly and woke up Sunday rejuvenated from the drama. I had energy after nine hours of sleep. I like my own space — move around the cabin, wake up early, make noise in my juicer and my Nespresso maker, but he was still sleeping. So I ventured to Starbucks before 7am, left his oat latte on the counter and grabbed clothes quietly. I didn’t want to wake him in fear he’d interrupt my master plan.
In the past, I would have waited for him to wake, and passive aggressively blamed him for my delayed morning. But this morning, I left without feeling guilty, instead feeling free to tend to my needs, a seven mile run and I was so proud of me, to not get caught up in all the co-dependent behavior and conditioning I have, previously. I show up big and independent — it;s so often how I’ve define myself, cognitively. But in past relationships, I would show up opposite, Needy, defining myself by my job or my boyfriend or the perfect body. I spent so many years giving my power away to all the external instead of celebrating that I have what I need. And as obvious as it may seem, I can’t be my best for another, if I’m not my best for me. Maintaining independence in a relationship is a complicated thing. Intimacy as an inside job, I’m learning.
As I looped my seventh lap and made it back downtown — he was emerging from Starbucks with his own latte. He is independent too, it seems, and also moves too quickly, without noticing the little things: I left a latte with a handwritten note on the counter next to his keys.
Keep Reading:
Intimacy I
November 23, 2021
Stuck // Self Pleasure // Release
Intimacy III
December 5, 2021
A different type of intimacy // A New Psychadelic Assisted Therapy // Cleansing
**And past dating diaries, that are funny, but not intimate, at all: Liv Sexy. Oh… the evolution !!