My Best Decision Yet: Two Years

I woke up this morning, my fourth morning in Colorado. Scurried out the door by 6AM to grab hot water for my sugar free hot chocolate, a side of scrambled egg whites with spinach, three ketchup packets, and a scooped out English muffin toasted, and smeared with a bit of butter. The ketchup packets were an extra ask, but who eats one ketchup pack? This is not my usual breakfast. At home, I’m more likely to eat an apple or sweet potato, sometimes savory oats. But I feel at home, here, my body feels settled, my spirit free, here I feel like me, and in terms of what I eat — I’m just listening. “Typically,” I don’t eat dairy or gluten or eggs, really. But my rules seem to fall by the wayside, in honor of me. Aspen has long been my happy place, not as a vacation place, but rather somewhere I know I long to be … perhaps long term? Permanently?

Rewinding — two years ago I came to Aspen searching for me, craving grounding, or healing or something to settle my unsettled belly. August 2020. My box + flow studios were closed, Covid was booming, uncertainty looming outside and within me, but for the first time in forever I chose me. I booked a solo trip and listened to Michael Singer’s “Surrender Experiment,” as I climbed up Aspen Mountain, surrendering, more here. I’d never traveled alone before, but this was less travel, more freedom, in choosing me, having no where to be or no one to please. I felt seen — by me. I played, hiked, did yoga, took space to just be. I made friends with strangers and realized that I’m not alone if I have me, that to know me and grow me I would have to start trusting me, listening to my body — how it wants to move, what it wants to eat, how much sleep … and honor that when my mind gets noisy, a few deep breaths and moving myself out of my way, would bring me back to me.
Trust yourself Olivia, keep going.

That trip was the gateway into my healing journey, to burning down everything I’d known, so that I could then start rebuilding — for the last two years. What I embarked upon next, was nothing like I had done before and only something I could endure and accomplish, alone.

A month after I returned home, — I found psychedelic assisted therapy and it found me. And that began my true surrendering, into the depths of why for so much of my life I’d felt deeply disintegrated, distracted, distracting, without clear memory of any history of trauma. I’ve shared openly, in hopes it might help others, and over the past two years, I’ve felt the rollercoasters of emotions that erupted in tandem with my uncovering. For so long I wished and waited and wondered when all the pain would be over, when I would be shown light at the end of the tunnel. In every medicine journey I prayed for love and healing and the more open I was, the darker the memories were revealed to me — because I was open to receiving, because I was ready. But nothing about it was easy. And still, I kept going.

And in the spaces in between, the integration, I integrated the memories with intention to find love for me, to find forgiveness for where I’d been, what I’d seen, my experiencing— now understanding and admitting why I’d been so shut down for most of my life, operating on autopilot, in regret of what was or in fear and anxiety of what might be. I was never present for anything. In tandem with therapy, I simultaneously began healing my body physically, changing my routine, working with medicine to supplement the longterm affects trauma left on me — overworked adrenals, compromised gut health, low energy … what ails us physically is a representation of our emotional well being.

Two years ago, when I hiked Aspen mountain, I’d already done a good amount of soul searching, teaching the lessons I’d learned as I’d come to learn and know me — through an intense physical practice, both boxing and yoga, through starting my own business ground up, and then closing. For as long as I’ve known me, at least post college — to New York City, I was committed to understanding myself more deeply. But I had no idea how intensely I was spinning. I felt like I lived on a hamster wheel that just kept going. As relationships ended, less failure more lesson, I came to understand that I was choosing men who closely resembled what I would come to understand as my perpetrators, because my body went back to its knowing.

“Did something happen to you?”

The man I was dating two years ago asked me after we were intimate initially. This inquiry led me to a deep dive into me. But it wasn’t until recently that I admitted even to myself that he too was someone I chose as a byproduct of not trusting me. And so I began assisted psychedelic therapy, for PTSD I didn’t remember consciously. But as my life started unfolding through memory, watching a horror movie that I happened to star in, I uprooted everything. For the past two years I’ve been facing myself to free myself, diving into my shadow — integrating the darkness, the fight,  I carry as a result of trauma into the lightness, the flow, which makes me, me. For the past two years I’ve been unlearning, so that I can learn to fully love me. Honoring that no matter how bruised or how broken, what has kept me going is knowing that I am not my story, and without my story, the only thing remaining is love, simply.

Through Psychedelic assisted therapy, integration, shadow work, I’ve been uprooting subconscious memory, untangling years, decades, of conditioning and patterning, people pleasing, dissociation, depression, insecurity, the inability to trust myself, to feed myself properly, to honor what I need due to unfulfilled needs … This is the effect of deep trauma. Healing has taken up the majority of my time, and because of that dedication, my life has changed exponentially. IT hasn’t been easy, cleaning out all the muck, and stepping into the new version of me, the one clear of the laundry list above, standing now in my sovereignty, without needing a resume to prove myself worthy.

Self trust is choosing me — what fuels me, instead of fills my time, space or body. These are fundamental needs, as a victim of trauma, layers start accumulating. When we began working together, my healer said, “Think about your body as an uninhabited, abandoned motel. When left vacant, creatures, dust, move in.” When I dissociated from myself and my body, distrust, conditioning, fear, anxiety, lack of self worth, self trust and otherwise moved in. Sounds ironic considering, I take self care very seriously. For years I did the best I could to take care of me, but admit that much of it was self sabotaging, disconnected, because I was living in my head and not my heart or body — I was choosing hard instead of easy, because challenge comes easier to me. I’m a fighter because I had to be.

So healing is cleaning out, reintegrating and reorganizing parts of me:  The parts that thought she needed to prove herself to be seen, that never felt worthy even if others saw me differently. I haven’t done an assisted medicine journey in some time actually, instead I opt into smaller doses at home… and the one I did most recently made it very clear, YOU’RE GOOD, STOP DIGGING. As the smoke began clearing, until very recently I got stuck beating myself, needing to know what is next for me. What is my life purpose? Should I open another Box + Flow? With this new lease on life, a chance to live fully, I want to contribute my knowing to something — I’m no longer fighting to survive, I can thrive. But this self-imposed pressure to “know” was yet another example of how until recently, I was still basing my self worth on my accomplishing.

Last week, I flew home to see my family and spend time with my one year old niece, who applauds herself for everything. Being with her exemplified unconditional love to me. Our short time together taught me so many things, like a reminder to celebrate the little things. Just being  makes her worthy — She honors her fundamental needs: eats, sleep, play, poop, love — human things and she is no different than you or me, yet she doesn’t get caught up in thinking or basing her worth on how she looks or what she’s doing. She just love’s, simply. And like me, she likes ketchup on everything.

I cried at the airport and when I got home — because I have never in my life felt love that deeply, that unconditionally, that simply. I returned to Austin with deeper feelings. Love always felt like it was attached to something: like I had to perform, or give something. But this love, is just love. My emotional hangover was heavy — but so gratifying, my heart felt like it was finally thawing. For my entirety, I felt frozen, unable to feel the depth of that love for anyone or anything because I had never felt that depth of love for me. Because trauma moved me from my body to my head to protect me, but resulted in a lifetime of outthinking my feelings. Because I never learned how to just trust me.

And now I’m free.

This version of me, is the one that honors her completely, that can live in her heart, that can do less and just be, and still love and be loved unconditionally. I have worked so hard to get here — safe to be me. But when you shift your energy, everything around you shifts … burning and building. Another healer of mine, says often, Burn what doesn’t serve you. Remember who you are. I am remembering, the sweet little girl within me, like my baby niece. For years I shut down that feminine side of me, or led with my sexuality because I thought that’s what I needed to do to be seen. And this version of me, is re-embracing her femininity … flowing. For years I channeled my inner super hero in a black leotard under layers of black clothing, my uniform, what I taught and took Box + Flow in, moving out of my mind back into my body. My newest uniform addition is Inspired by my Baby Kay, my newest ins-bow, a little hair bow. More and more I’m channeling my inner child, the knowing I was born with, simplifying: eat when and what body asks for, stop when full, surrender into sleep, love fully, dance, play, let nothing get in your way, self trusting. I’m integrating my ins-bow into the fierce side of me, my leotard wearing inner warrior, finding a new balance within me, trusting myself without further explaining, because, I know me.

And that’s what brought me back to Aspen this time. But before leaving, I decided to pursue egg freezing, because I don’t want to feel pressure of a time line, and I know that I’m meant to be a mother. I’ve shared stories from my relationship openly, lessons of leaning into intimacy, but I was putting off the decision to freeze my eggs (and head to Aspen, solo), because I was distracted by noise outside of me. The conditioned, codependent parts of me were struggling with indecision — “Oh, just get married, have babies” or “Why would you travel alone? Where’s your beau?”

Reality is that it is all my choice — my body, what I do with it and where we go. I trusted my knowing. Egg freezing is more intense than a quick jaunt west, and was very emotional. Comparing aside, almost everyone I know is married with kids, but in hindsight, I wouldn’t change a thing. I am grateful. I was given this life. I see the light. And I want to bask in every morsel of its glory. And mine.

“The wound is where the light enters.” - Rumi

And with the thick cloud of smoke clearing … and the former uninhabited motel of my mind, heart and body, becomes filled with self love and trusting, I’m building a beautiful garden within me, the seeds I started planting two years ago are now growing.  There is a clarity in my knowing And my journey has proven that I am indeed both my super hero and my queen, lover and fighter, all of these things and that I am worthy of love simply just being, because I am. So are you.

So this trip, booked last minute to hike up the mountain that has long brought me clarity, I’m reminded of how far I’ve come since my decision to surrender two years ago, and began climbing. And last year, here, was different entirely. I was really depressed, to put it lightly, having just publicly shared my story two weeks prior, I could barely get my body up the mountain. Dissociated, lonely and hurting — so different than this past Sunday when I arrived, full of life. Straight from the plane, I put my bags down, grabbed a snack and hydrated, honoring my body instead of waiting mid-mountain to be starving, and I hiked to the top in record time, without trying, seamlessly. I don’t wear sunglasses or music to distract me, I like to be with nature — becoming one with everything. Step into step, breath into breath, I checked into a new level of clarity, trans-like, flowing without anxiety or fear, my mind was empty. I was given the gift, of presence, of just being — here. At a moment when my mind began swirling, I played a simple ten minute meditation and kept going. The trek up isn’t easy but it doesn’t have to be so hard— flow thru the fight, perspective is and always has been, everything. I arrived to the top in 78 minutes and 54 seconds, without getting stuck or distracted or caught up in timeline, I surrendered my knowing, but trusted myself that I would arrive. Just on time to get a few selfies and dance to the Bluegrass Band before they were finishing.

These past two years, no matter the challenge, the pain, isolation, fear, I kept climbing, as hard as it was, I just kept going. I embodied my own mantras, 1. face yourself to free yourself, 2. flow thru the fight, 3. everything you need is inside.

Everything I need is inside.

Realizing that when you begin choosing you over everything, what was hard becomes easy. In healing, you begin feeling, you stop existing and start living. I’m finally alive. My best decision yet is simply choosing me.

The secret is in the surrendering. In the detachment. In the letting go of control, of needing to know, and in trusting that there is something greater than us working … with us, for us, G-d, mother nature, spirit, the universe, energy. The more I become one with what is inside of me, the more one I become with everything externally. As I connect deeper to my heart and my body, feeling instead of thinking, my answers are revealed from within me — I was never lost, I was just learning. I inhale what I need and exhale to let go and regardless of all else, I’ll never be alone because I’ve found me. Self love is a journey. Healing is a journey. Life is a journey. And I am so grateful to be here, hugging life, seeing clearly, living in my re-inhabited hotel with comfy pillows, soft sheets and less dust mites, forever learning. Home isn’t where you are, it’s who you are. Homecoming.

Two days ago I sat down for a drink, randomly next to a woman I went to high school with decades ago. When I went to my DM’s to say it was so nice to see you, I realized the last time we spoke was exactly one year ago July 19th, 2021, the same day I wrote this sharing the beginning of my story. I don’t believe in coincidence. Healing is a journey. And for the past two years, I’ve been learning, me. All this to say that in the event that you feel lost, I hope my words bring solace to you - in your journey. You’re not alone. I am you. And you too are So worthy. KEEP GOING. Everything WE Need is Inside.

Love always, Olivia