birthday anxiety

Anyone else get anxious about planning your birthday?
See, I’m a recovering over analyzer
recently committed to thinking less + feeling more,
out of planning + into #LIVing.
but every year as August 4 creeps up, I get anxious thinking about what I “should do”
And in years past when I haven’t planned anything, I cant help but wish I had- until i'm reminded that everything is meant to be.

Reminiscing years passed,

24 in NYC: new job. dinner by Michael White, black lace dress + nude louboutins followed by an unplanned rendezvous to meet a handsome dark haired suitor at boom boom room til sunrise. The same dark eyed suitor who arrived at my door with boozy slushies from his restaurant + a limo waiting downstairs to take me to brooklyn and take away my peter lugers virginity.

25 was complicated. I convinced myself that i found love (with the wrong man). my gut had the answers,but my heart insisted otherwise. I had no doubt we’d get married + everything wrong would become right. As such, my parents flew up to meet him for dinner at Commerce. The food filled the empty conversation, the table overflowed with enough food to stuff our faces + numb our emotions + my mom successfully stayed silent the entire meal. Everything about the evening was a failure. But the cherry on top? As soon as the prized 40 minute black truffle roast chicken arrived, i anxiously whipped my hand up + watched it fly across the room. If those walls could talk, they would have said RUN.

Fast forward a few years of failed relationships + autopilot behaviors. Too much planning. Not enough living. Focused on future + outcomes all out of my control.

At 29, i planned a party + then cancelled in favor of a @raya match cross country arrival into NYC. a blind date on my birthday, celebrating with a stranger - shows how much i valued myself. rooftop drinks at 60 Thompson + dinner at via carota with a dating app date who was the exact opposite of love at first sight. within 2 minutes of meeting, i knew id never see him again. Pro tip: don’t go on a blind date on your birthday if you have any self worth. If a birthday is at all telling of a year to come, this was certainly the start of one of the most mentally challenging years of my life. You can call it Saturn Return, or just something complicated. It was.

The summer of 30 was spent back + forth to my happy place out west, to find solace in my favorite yoga teacher, clear air, cold beer and higher altitude. Unsettled in work, in self, and in love, iI was running away from me to find myself. my mom joined me in New York for moral support + cocktails with friends at a french wine bar, dressed in camo to hide my depression. The majority of 29 to 30 had me seeking answers outward - not yet grasping that “everything you need is inside.” my internal struggle stemmed from my uncertain future. The unknown felt dim - yet my life looked so perfect. My “perfect” job was unchallenging + my “perfect” relationships all failed. I was fearless in life but fearful of judgement, commitment + destination unknown. Overnight something changed, i chose me.  after months of ruminating, i become present in my life, signed my lease and was off to the races.

31 brought freedom: 10 months into opening box + flow, finally feeling free to be me--  free enough to leave work + spend a weekend in Amagansett with my parents + exbf at the most magical Inn at Windmill Lane. Sunset dinner Duryeas filled with love, laughter + lobster, but not in love, at all. A most perfectly choreographed weekend was somewhat silent - with unsaid words + unsubstantial feelings. Perfect on paper + the most genuinely gentleman, but attraction is physical. It’s sexual. It’s chemical.
you can’t plan it, or fake it.
You gotta feel it.
I didn’t. We broke up a few weeks later.

So perhaps more planning should be had for 32.
The funny part is, in all years past, the plans, fears, feelings + failures, today I stand tall as I am + where I am. I am just living life. The journey of it. The experience of it. The fantasies, the fun + the failure.
THAT in itself is the most reason to celebrate.
What is life without love? Unsure, because i am confident in saying that i love my life.
And i will find love when it finds me.
Lets celebrate. #workhard #livyoung