Intimacy - A Series
INTIMACY, In 3 Parts
I’ve been spending time, intimately, thinking about intimacy, since last time I posted about falling into me, and opening up physically. I’m sharing these diary entries because I know my feelings are not unique. We are all beings, with feelings. Maybe by sharing mine, you won’t feel so alone in yours. After a year of uprooting my past, finding stillness, and learning to just BE with me without doing, I feel more clarity: RADICAL SELF LOVE is what I seek and that starts and ends with me. And with it, a partner, marriage, union, family — a fairy tale beginning, not ending. I want everything. This is becoming clearer to me as I experience this clarity while coupled — we are mirrors or each other, he reflects what I like and don’t like about me.
I’ve shared my history of sexual trauma, and dissociation from my physical body for most of my life, a form of protection, so I didn’t have to feel anything. In relationships past, I’ve lived mostly in my head, planning future weddings, falling in love with the “idea of someone” or just over analyzing. Part of my healing is reconnecting to the body that never felt safe to me. But no matter how many therapists over the past year ++ have suggested I self soothe with self pleasure, it didn’t always feel good to explore myself intimately, because emotions that were stored in my nether regions were less pretty and more angry, until I faced them and then embraced that I am SO worthy of feeling, everything. I have strong sexual energy but unless I’m having sex, I don’t “need” it. And in relationships past, I was more focused on pleasing him than me, which is common for women particularly.
After I posted my last story about intimacy, a client called to ask, “what does vulnerability even mean?”
To which I replied, “Just start listening.” Be it with yourself or another, we can only connect to the extent we’ve connected to ourselves — physically and emotionally. I will always be learning. I am listening to my heart and my body.
Below is three part series, back dated, because I have a perfectionist tendency, write tons of drafts and never post because “they’re not ready.’ But Fuck It, read what you want. Leave what you don’t. Intimacy — a series, is an inside job, It starts with me.
Intimacy I
November 23, 2021
Stuck // Self Pleasure // Release
Intimacy II
November 28, 2021
Thanksgiving // Misbehaving // Re-flecting on Past Co-dependent Tendencies
Intimacy III
December 5, 2021
A different type of intimacy // A New Psychadelic Assisted Therapy // Cleansing
…
I didn’t expect to add more but there’s lots … 4, 5, and an intermission.
**This is a very different tone than the dating diaries I used to write, which are quite entertaining, but looking back, void of any intimacy. Fun though, Liv Sexy, here.