Leaning Into Me: Intimacy III
INTIMACY, In 3 Parts I’ve been spending time, intimately, thinking about intimacy, since last time I posted about falling into me, and opening up physically. I’m sharing these diary entries because I know my feelings are not unique. We are all beings, with feelings. Maybe by sharing mine, you won’t feel so alone in yours. After a year of uprooting my past, finding stillness, and learning to just BE with me without doing, I feel more clarity: RADICAL SELF LOVE is what I seek and it starts and ends with me. After I posted my last story about intimacy, a client called to ask, “what does vulnerability even mean?” To which I replied, “Just start listening.” Be it with yourself or another, we can only connect to the extent we’ve connected to ourselves — physically and emotionally. I will always be learning. I am listening to my heart and my body. Intimacy is an inside job.
Part 3: December 5, 2021
In-ti-ma-cy: In to me see, I see into me. And the more beauty and grace I find within me, the more I notice outside of me. Love starts to appear in everything. The depth of my connection to me is mirrored outside of me and the internal world I’m creating is manifested in my surroundings. Timely, because this week I’m embarking on a new phase of my psychedelic assisted therapy, with a medicine that requires a specific “diet” or cleansing: No animal products, sugar, alcohol or caffeine — no added spices, peppers, shallots, and caution while consuming, everything, television, social media, social interaction, including sexual intimacy. I miss the nightly glass of wine, socially, getting dressed up for date nights - less for the restaurant and more for the attire, and I miss sexual intimacy: an orgasm is an incredible energetic release.
I’m more rule breaker than follower but this journey is for me - and I really want my energy to be clean to experience the medicine fully. The food stuff feels simple — I don’t eat many animal products, besides salmon, I have the highest Omega-3’s my doctor’s ever seen. I avoid salt and broke up with sugar, recently. I juiced an apple this week which is rare for me, I usually cut it with lemon ginger and celery. One sip and I was lit, sugar high, amazed at how sweet an apple is or how sensitive I’ve become to it. It’s interesting what happens when we take out the extra, if only to realize just how reliant we are on what we don’t need. Sugar was big for me.
Slowing down has allowed me to notice why I'm “consuming,” as such, I’m consuming more thoughtfully, listening to how my body reacts to everything. Intimacy is getting to know me, understanding how my body and psyche respond to food, people, media — which also effects how I’m sleeping. I’ve never had such vivid dreams! And I wake up with clarity, remembering.And relationship wise, this “cleanse” is interesting. When I introduced him to my parents, my Dad waited until the next day to inquire,
“Olivia, let me ask you something.”
“What’s up, Dad?”
“Are you worried if you stop rubbing him, he might get away?”
We laughed.
“Ever heard the song Genie In A Bottle?”
He didn’t get the joke.
Our relationship is new and while we’ve hit some bumps, we like each other, physically. Our bodies connect very fluently. But as part of this “diet” we’ve abstained from any sexual activity for the past two weeks. Instead, finding new ways to connect intimately. We’re making out like teenagers on the couch, which is actually really sexy — cuddling and snuggling, the back of his hand touches my nipple suddenly, watching Frozen 2, because I have to abstain from violence. Instead of cooking elaborate dinners, I’ve been eating plantains, papayas and potatoes with ghee. So, we are also potato-ing. He opts for sweet, no topping, I really like sweet white Japanese, slow roasted for hours on 300 degrees. Life feels simpler when we only use what we need. There is nothing wasted - energy, conversation, when you’re completely present over baked potato. With no booze to blur, no costume to mask, no food to over indulge, no sex to distract, it’s just company. And truth is, I’ve never felt safer in my own energy — my body space and being, which allows me to feel safe with him, on my couch, doing nothing.
We lay horizontal on the couch over candlelight asking each other questions. And steal kisses in between silly movie vignettes. I so often remember in relationships past being so reliant on my body - using sex as a tool the glue that connected our energies. Now I understand why I thought it was the only thing men wanted from me. Regardless, I dissociated so I didn’t “feel” anything, but I perfected my body and led with sexual energy, but it was never about me. It was about my fear of him leaving me, which left me needy, and too resilient to own my power and end things. In attempt to glue back an ex and me, we found ourselves having sex in the bathroom of Mailino. One time I cried during. Sure, I was consenting, but it clearly stirred up past trauma for me. But I gave myself in fear he would leave me. I had our whole life planned - I was just imagining.
Then there was a narcissist portfolio manager that after nearly a year of dating told me, “When would I find time to cheat on you?” when I accused, “I’m too busy.” Indeed, he was cheating. After I made dinner, I’d have another drink and beg him to come to bed with me. It wasn’t until he told me, “I’d choose her over you any day,” that I finally found the courage to leave. And still none of that, regardless of sex or meeting families, or vacationing, was intimate, for them or for me. We’d skate the surface, talk about work, family or the weather, while I mentally planned our elaborate wedding. I never slowed down enough to check into my feelings, because I was numb, unbeknownst to even me. I didn’t know myself at all, intimately.
The current intimacy I seek both in my partner and in me requires digging. It requires patience and presence and less needing. Now I don’t know if stone cold sober on the couch watching Frozen is more “adulting” or cleansing but I sure like the clarity, without needing to numb out, get fucked up and go out, just to wake up the next morning, not feeling, like anything, except blurry.
How beautiful it is To explore intimacy within me. To get to know myself intimately. What works and what doesn’t for me and by me. Such clarity attracts a more intimate way of connecting with everything around me.
Will I stay sober? No. I’ve thought about it previously. But the glass of wine is fine for me. And I miss roasting salmon, taking “beef organ” supplements to maintain my iron, and creating more elaborate recipes. And I’m looking forward to sex too, with him and with me. I love the way he touches me. I love the way I touch me. Light some candles, create a space that feels sexy, and enjoy the body you’re inhabiting.
It’s a journey. This learning me to love me thing. I’m putting in the hard work to love all of me. But its no surprise that when you feed yourself, move yourself, honor yourself, feel yourself, still yourself, and respect your energy — seeing into yourself more intimately, everything around you becomes more sensory. And the pleasure you experience feels so much more deep. It doesn’t matter what’s for dinner, what I’m wearing, or where I’m going. Only what matters, matters. That I’m rested and fed and moving, observing what I have and consuming what I need and connecting to myself, and my environment, simultaneously. The rest, extra. And as far as my upcoming journey, I’m scared but excited to continue learning about me. Intimacy is an inside job. Learn You to Love You, Start Feeling.
Love Always, Olivia
#workhard #livyoung #loveyourself
Keep Reading:
Intimacy I
November 23, 2021
Stuck // Self Pleasure // Release
Intimacy II
November 28, 2021
Thanksgiving // Misbehaving // Re-flecting on Past Co-dependent Tendencies
**And past dating diaries, that are funny, but not intimate, at all: Liv Sexy. Oh… the evolution !!