ALONE BUT NOT LONELY
He confided in me, “ I just really wish I had somebody. The people I meet don’t commit. I’m pretty lonely.” I responded: Ever consider that your prospects feel your need? No one but YOU can make you feel less lonely.” It took time for me to embody these words that I speak, but for the first time in forever, albeit alone, I’m not lonely. Why? I have me.
Contrary to popular opinion, and every Self Help book, WE ARE, in fact, ALONE. Coupled, uncoupled, with children or without, Yep, alone, in our thoughts at least. As such, I have come to learn that what is most important is how I relate to me. Surrounded by people, or not, I am alone in my body and alone in my thoughts. And truth is, I've spent most of my life lonely. I vividly remember age 8, alone on the playground, wandering in my feelings, kids surrounding me, but opting out of playing. Lonely in my mind without understanding why at the time. I’ve written about my lonely here and there, but it wasn’t until recently that I understood why I so often was feeling these feelings. I’m almost 35. I lived in lonely. It haunted me and as such I spent most of my life FILLING that feeling, with anything handy: reaching out to busy me with boys, business, fitness, booze, or candy -- running away from the stillness in fear I would feel, intimately. When Covid hit, life slowed me down and the past 10 months have been a deep dark journey into my psyche,
VERY dark and very solitary.
And yet, for the first time in my life I DON’T feel lonely. I moved to Texas alone, barely knowing anybody, without a business or boyfriend to hide behind-- instead learning to sit with little old me -- in my thoughts, my body and feelings. And I made a commitment to actively choose me -- instead of lonely, I choose lovely and lively. What does that mean? It’s a conversation, daily, --- What do we want to do today, body? Move? Or just sit + be, read a book? Perhaps learn something. Or Shall we activity? Pick sunflowers, socialize, drink champagne, meet a guy? The conversation is a two way street, honoring how I’m feeling instead of forcing something. If I don’t want to go out, I politely decline. If I need social energy, I make time. Instead of operating on autopilot or seeking comfort to distract me, I start with how I’m feeling and then choose accordingly. Selfish? Sure. But you can’t be for any one else if you’re not first for yourself.
My point being? I don’t wait for a date to take me to that place for steak. I sit at the bar and date, myself, and bask in the opportunity, wholeheartedly: even dress up sexy. New yoga studio? Sure thing. I show up as all of me. Stand on my hands, no fear of who’s watching. I no longer wait to experience anything. Poof, be gone, lonely. It’s all perspective, really. Of course I want to share life’s offerings. But in the interim, I am enjoying all of life as all of me. It’s been a rough AF journey, sitting with my darkest pieces, piecing together all parts of me. I’ve spent a life time running to erase said memories. Our brains don’t hold onto what we can’t handle seeing. And now that I’ve seen the depths of my feelings, *thanks to psychedelic therapy, I am finally learning to love all of me, alone. Not lonely.
The same guy friend followed up a few weeks later, “I’m pretty excited for this date, wish me luck!” “You got this boo, I replied.” After he declared “It went great!, until the following week, I thought about her constantly, second date, making out, holding hands, intimately, but she let me know I was just a rebound, she is still getting over her last fling. I feel so silly.” Yep, makes sense. His neediness attracted her need to be needed.
I went on a second date recently, sweet, attractive but unavailable emotionally -- heading on a sabbatical, which he shared honestly. And I so appreciate integrity, and his offer to just have fun with me. Sweet! I like fun, too, but I’m currently more interested in sustainable intimacy. And this new me can have fun Alone, without feeling lonely! And since shifting said perspective, alone but not “needy,” the universe started sending me a plethora of beings and activities, which I’m enjoying while also respecting my social energy. And those activities that once felt lonely, like laying in bed, now feel like complete luxury. I hop in and take up all the space edge to edge, because one day, I know that he’ll be by my side. So in the mean time I’m going to celebrate this big bed of my own. I even jump on it, full inner child going wild, no shame, all alone!
I workout to podcasts on surround sound, with the heat on high and shower for hours.
What a gift to have so much space + time for me.
A friend sent me this poem:
“All relationships are only on the surface. Deep inside you are always alone.
A thousand people may surround you, yet a part of you is always alone.
Even when you embrace your beloved, a part of you is always alone.
You came into this world alone, and you will leave this world alone.
Liberation comes from knowing ‘Existential Aloneness’ is your true nature.
Relate from this space and you will be dependable: else, you will be dependent.”
No more dependent or even codependency. I want to be dependable to attract what I desire instead of who I need or needs me. In the past it it must have been easy to smell the “needy” on me. Marriage and children, YES please. But on my terms, not from desperation, planning outcome or seeking forever before we even meet. I crave the taste of his face next to mine, his hands around my waist, the shiver and quiver of his smell and his taste. Passion, partnership, cohabitation, LOVE, marriage, children, et al, but from where I am instead of where I want to be.
I've spent years stressing about my "still single" but instead feel FREE from the past shackles, my self inflicted purgatory. I HAVE WHAT I NEED. Sure lonely still sweeps up on my sporadically, but like all thoughts and feelings, they're just temporary. Difference being, I finally value my time. Dare I say it? I VALUE ME. So I figured since I have to live with all of me, I started using my quality time to dive deep, biohacking my entirety: psyche, nutrition, and body - bloodwork, supplements, diet, psychedelics, and casual thoughts, simultaneously. Pulling on a leotard the other week, I looked in the mirror, sheepishly, and my thoughts crept upon me, but before my ego’s judgement erupted, I stifled it before it stifled me. The negativity, “You should have forgone the second chocolate or not skipped boxing last eve,” -- See that noise is no longer valid for me. The cycle of self hate and loathing has long taken too much of my energy. Nada mas! Ciao ciao. My OLD friend, YOU are BORING. I check myself before I wreck myself, I stopped judging others when I stopped judging me. And when temptation hits, I pause for self inquiry, Who am I to judge anybody INCLUDING me?
Instead I choose compassion. Life changing!
Our thoughts influence our actions which influence our biology. For the first time in forever time, I just want to be me. I am Dependable. Not dependent. Whole. And from a place of whole, I start attracting whole: friends, lovers, work, purpose. By embodying all of me, I am attracting people and opportunities seamlessly - creating connections serendipitously, growing a group of likeminded humans who acknowledge each others well being! What a gift to not need, anything. And while we’re alone in our thoughts, we’re not alone in sharing them. So, if this resonated, reply and share because ALONE doesn’t have to be lonely.
Start simple: just acknowledge your feet and your heartbeat. Recognize in this moment,
you have, you are, everything you need.
Love always, Olivia