34, Single + Want to Be A Mom
I woke up yesterday and called my mom, first thing. I knew she'd be awake by 8a EST, snuggling with the dogs, sipping hot coffee hand delivered by my dad. Her voice both comforts and triggers me--as parents often do. Parents or not, we're all just kids in costume, doing the best that we can. My mom has always done just that, (Dad, too)-- and lucky for me, she leads with love. Yesterday, I celebrated her. We said goodbye as she scrambled off to scramble eggs and tend to a house full of hungry mouths, including visitors: my big brother Daniel, his wife Lindsey and my baby niece Kay.
I felt my heart fill with love and a hollowness in my belly. Seeing my parents grandparent is beautiful. I spent years working hard in hopes of relating to my Dad. Funny thing is, I now know my dad just wants to see me "settled." "Gender roles" are real to some, and he's old school. If my Mom is all love, my dad is hard work -- but they bond over both effort + ease, home + family. They've never put pressure on me to have my own, but they don't have to. Parents want to become grandparents. Less them, more me, I want to be a mom. Truth is I’m 34.5 and never thought I wouldn’t have my own by now. At my age, my mom had four of us. Am I grateful for my life? Absolutely. Do I honor and embrace my path as my own? Finally, Yes. This past year has brought so much clarity and understanding of why my relationships have shown up as they have. But still I see friends + those I grew up with and their growing families and wonder, when? At a routine doctor appointment last week I mentioned my desire. He ruffled thru his stack of papers to find my age and replied, "Well, you better get on that." It took a day or so to settle. And when it did, I cried.
And while I’m exhausted by the “still single” questioning,
I will keep answering with integrity:
Did you freeze your eggs? Not yet.
Will you freeze your eggs? Maybe.
Would you consider having one without a partner? Not yet.
As if those questions are privy to anyone but me — but I am here to share, honestly. In my heart I know I am meant to be a mom: I don’t know when or how, but I believe.
So while Mothers' Day is a celebration -- it also brings unsettling feelings to many for many different reasons. To all those that give themselves tirelessly, act as a mother in the traditional sense or otherwise, I celebrate you. To my mom, my grandma I miss deeply, and ME for being patient that everything is happening as it should. And YOU, whether you celebrated or didn't, felt full of love or longed for it, I see you.
I am you. All love, Always. #flowthruthefight
XO 😘 Olivia