Date Yourself

Its been a long minute since my last dating diary because Ive been dating myself. I stopped filling my time with extra, stopped swiping right on lonely Sundays, stopped saying yes when I meant no and started Saying NO when I had zero desire to go. I stopped legitimizing average dates with a second chance. And stopped feeling sorry for myself for being alone, Im not alone. I have me.

I love my company. I’m a great cook. I’m funny, sometimes. And I’m my harshest critic, so when that inflated ego creeps up, I sure know how to check myself before I wreck myself. But yes I look incredible naked. Dating? Of course. But if its not for me, it won’t last long. And when I feel alone, I take power in choosing me -- to better define what I want. And I sure as hell don’t want what doesn’t want me, Anymore. I subconsciously defined my self worth thru others at the ripe age of 8. I was the new girl in 3rd grade that caught all the boys eyes. On Valentines Day I collected their gifts like trophies. They thought I was pretty. I felt worthy. But what did I think of me? I never thought about it. In 8th grade my crush called me the Budweiser Blimp. Sure I loved pasta, but I wasn’t fat, just a hormonal pre teen. His disapproval stung deep into my psyche like a wad of gum entangled in long hair. You can’t just shake that off. You have to cut it out. It took years. You’re not fat. You never were. Funny though, he was. But who am I to judge?

By 15, I no longer just sought approval, I needed self confidence too. Who knew this cycle would last for the next two decades. So detached from self love, I became victim to only feeling full thru men’s eyes in my private life. I sacrificed myself to be seen, not just for the recognition but for the challenge. I play to win. Getting the guy was a game. I got off from the chase. I was winning. Until I lost. When I heard from them, I felt worthy. When I didn’t, I felt empty. But much of the time I was playing to lose, Only choosing those who never chose me. My private life suffered, but professionally, I flourished, using my confidence to fuel me, And humility to keep me grounded. When my ego got bruised in the bedroom, I tookmy feelings out on the heavy bag + yoga mat. #flowthruthefight, I came back to my balance, and grew professionally, Again and again. Sure, I still seek outward time to time #human, But I no longer value myself in anyone’s eyes but my own. And I told you already, I think im fucking sexy.

I’m dating myself, loving myself -- All of me. (see dating diary xi for more) You want salacious? That’s my favorite way to be.
I’m the 33 year old woman who often vacations in a horny 15 year old boys brain. I think about sex all day. I have eye sex on the street with every hungry pair that I meet. And when he’s real hot, I unzip him -- forgive me. I like my men older, rarely wiser but older. They know how to use their hands. Strong enough to pin me down and soft enough to just hold. That’s nice too. Messy. Sweaty. All of it. Im in. We’re all animals. Argue as you wish, but if you’re not, your loss. I want to feel everything. I own a boxing gym. I started a business to force people to feel a cathartic release. In my opinion The only thing more cathartic than hitting a heavy bag is an orgasm. Both will take your breath away – if you let go. And since we’re talking hands, I love my own. No one knows your body better than you. And If you don’t know what you like, how could anyone else? Pro tip: Touch yourself.

As I dive deeper into my darkness, no matter how lonely *or bored, I still choose me. Sure, there are sporadic drunk texts + empty dates, but I refuse to fill my time with an extra martini or empty sex. I’ve never had a one night stand and I don’t think I will. Truth? I’ve always wanted to be a ho. I just don’t know how. Confidence is king and I have no issue feeling royal. but when insecurity creeps in, I feel it. The text that never comes. Or time spent with friends and all their babies. The hurt, the hope, the ego clouding over my heart, but I have a choice: to lose my sense of self, Or stand taller knowing that Self worth is my worth. And I am worthy.
Be it in the bedroom or the boardroom, power is my strength, and softness is my sword. But to learn to love yourself, or another, you have to get to know you first. I’m committed to you boo. I will protect my heart, share it with caution, And save the best part of it, for me. I have what I have. I am where I am. My time will come. I no longer find thrill in the chase. I’ve spent enough time chasing myself, Learning to know me, To grow me, To love me. I’ll date you forever. We’re in it together, But if I can’t take my breath away, be it on a boxing bag, or in my bed—- If I don’t love me, Who will? We got this babe. #flowthruthefight #workhard #livyoung #loveyourself