Learning to Forgive
Freedom is the Forgiveness We Gift Ourselves.
Have you ever been confronted with forgiving? Yourself or another? If you dig into it, no matter what the “thing” is, it often feels heavy. I concur. And so, we mull over it, keep going, hold a bit of a grudge, just a sprinkle maybe, of that time when …
I remember when my middle school crush called me a Budweiser blimp in front of the whole class in 7th grade. Or that time in preschool my neighbor grabbed my hair and said "Ding dong," in carpool.
What we're forgiving doesn't have to be a big thing! And sometimes, it is.
Forgivness is tricky!
And sticky. It sticks to you, if you let it. And then it just gets heavier.
I’ve thought about forgiveness along my healing journey, wondering if I could ever release those who put their pain on me. Suffice it to say, didn’t feel so easy. And so, I forgave myself instead, which came more naturally. And then more forgiveness came unexpectedly. In a recent Psychedelic breath work journey, without any psychedelics, I breathed deep into the entirety of my body and witnessed a roomful of others releasing their own grief and experiencing. It was beautiful. There was a group of men supporting each other, and as I was holding space, it hit me to honor that men are in pain too — He had to have been in so much pain to hurt me. The name of one of my perpetrators landed in my mind and with it the opportunity to release the grip I was carrying — the charge that he still had on me, because I hadn’t yet forgiven. Initially, the discomfort became me and I tried to think of something different, and then I realized that it was time. And so I forgave him in my own mind. And suddenly my shoulders felt lighter.
Yesterday, sitting at my altar next to my bed — where I meditate, pray, keep my collection of cards and mementoes, candles, sage, and other wizard things … I started writing my love list. While many speak of gratitude journals, which are fab, I like love lists. On my list I include people I send and receive love to, those who have held me along the way, and those I am holding. I write names that come to me intuitively and those that I pray for always. Similarly, I speak said names aloud when I go to bed, “I love you … “ Because what is more powerful than the power of love? I learned yesterday, nothing. Love conquers all. Even pain.
With music playing, I wrote down whatever came to me. With breath, I filled myself with so much love, so much energy, and then what happened next almost can’t be explained. A name popped in my head, another one of my perpetrators, one that I didn’t think I could ever forgive…to add to my love list. To surrender him from the grip the story, the trauma, the event still had on me. “Could this be?” I wondered. Am I ready to forgive him? The notion swept over me like a very big wave. My heart said yes, forgive. I’ve long said that Freedom is the Forgiveness We Gift Ourselves because holding onto past hurt only holds us back from living. It chips away at our psyche, the past memory, even if we pretend that it doesn’t by distracting. Whelp, we can’t heal it until we feel it and often “it,” is just too heavy to carry.
And so, yesterday, at my altar I allowed spirt to speak through me, I listened to the guidance and let go of what was chained to me. Filling myself with so much love allowed me to let go, to surrender to grow. Because Love conquers everything — A video, here.
Read, Psychedelic breath work without the psychedelics.
I challenge you to spend some time today in quiet, and write a love list. Send love, receive love, feel it in your entirety. See what comes up. Try it in candle light or in the quiet or your closet, on your kitchen floor or otherwise. Whatever feels good for you. Lean in, listen, LOVE big and maybe even let go of what no longer is (and never was) yours to carry.
I’m sending YOU so much love today. Happy Sunday. Xo Olivia
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