Gratitude + Grief

YOU CAN BE GRATEFUL AND GRIEVING AT THE SAME TIME
It has been a short while since I sent you a note. I’ve been cryptic and quiet, posting photos from faraway places with no people, keeping some of those private parts of myself, private, holding onto what I have because in many ways I’ve felt lost in my own life. I’m here now. Truth is I’m grieving trauma, and sadly more than one. And I’ve felt stifled in how to cope and // or if I should share.
As I woke up Thanksgiving morning, to sauté all things stuffing, I realized: 
“You can be both grateful and grieving at the same time.” We’ve all lost something this pandemic, And perhaps gained something more: perspective, grounding, growth - big things and small. Some fear they’ve lost time. Me? I’m in deep -- This trauma I mentioned has been buried in me for years, unearthed via memories and intense therapies these past few months, revealing events so dark my psyche stuffed them so they might never be found. 

Trauma does that. It hides in dark places, to protect us—-just shows up other ways until you're ready, if you're ever ready, to experience its truth. But something in me felt empty and sporadic flashbacks had me questioning, so I went on a search of said suffering, within. Shocked and saddened, as memories unfolded, to know I’ve been traumatized for so long, but liberated to finally learn why I’ve been fighting, myself. It wasn’t until now, decades later that I’ve learned I took up boxing to protect me, and started teaching others what I needed to learn: that no matter the obstacle, flow thru the fight, and trust yourself, always. Your tools, your answers, your purpose, Everything you need is inside. 

But grief, it sticks to you like taffy. It grows on you, sometimes deep into you, ugly + under the surface, unseen. But know, no matter what you are grieving, know that I see you, I’m with you. I am you -- and for some of you, even--- you are me. Ambiguous, is unlike me. Usually, I wear my truth on my sleeve but I’m still processing my past and integrating into a life that doesn’t yet feel like my own. It’s a weird feeling really, to feel like your life actually yours. But it is mine — I just didn’t consciously know until a few months ago. I will share more in due time, because silencing truth promotes shame and suffering around an issue that is unfortunately far from unique to me. I will not be silenced, none of us should. But if there is any silver lining, my purpose is clear, -- my mantras make sense, but with deeper meaning. “Face Yourself to Free Yourself,” and flow thru the fight. You can, you will make it to the other side. There is light. 
I will share via podcast, “Everything You Need is Inside.” interweaving my own personal stories with interviews of change makers who have overcome their own challenges and otherwise. We are a culmination of our stories — and this is sadly, just a part of mine.  The first episode is live, pre-dated, just post discovery-- end September. This is where my story begins, click for more. xx Olivia