And Just Like That, My Life Changed Forever.

IN THE PAST SIX MONTHS — The world shut down, I slowed down and really learned to listen. And as synchronicity would have it, as it opened up, so did i. These past two months or two weeks, cracked me open. Suddenly, life became so much more, how do I say it, real. Good, bad + ugly. Really ugly. But I’m here and no matter, I’m grateful. Following my return from “love in the time of Corona,” in Miami (link below), to New York to rebuild my business, 
I soon realized I was really returning to rebuild and reconnect to my entire life. Sounds deep. It is. Deeper than I ever imagined. 
So, I’ll start surfaced, and go slow.

I returned to a quieter New York, a bruised, battered but slowly emerging from slumber city — with curbside cocktails and cafe dining, where I was confronted by anti-Semitism, firsthand. He stared me in the eyes 
“You’re not Italian? No. I’m Jewish. He scoffed, “I won’t hold it against you.”
I simultaneously stopped walking home solo post sundown from Soho, short distanced, in fear of the state of the city. But in daylight, I didn’t hold fright, until a man followed me to box + flow – 10A on a holiday Monday. My intuition was present enough to notice, and without distraction, I knew how to divert, protect myself, and keep moving. And after a lifetime of racing myself up + out of bed at 5am to fight + flow to an imaginary finish line in this rat race called life, I took up meditation. I practice 20-40 minutes daily, in my own way, laying down, not sitting up, in stillness, nonetheless. I finally embraced slowing down.

Beyond meditation, I found structure in self practice– my yoga + boxing routine. That which I’ve spent half my life practicing, fueled by the energy of others around me. Now I teach class and take class, be it guided or guiding via zoom, or just simply solo. I flow thru the fight – out of my way and feel without the confines of a “start,” “end” – a teacher leading, or a community following. I became my own discipline.

I tried new things, took up new hobbies, and formed new friendships. I embraced voice notes, took up a taste for chardonnay, tip toed into veganism, found deep love for tempeh, tofu and sea vegetables galore. I reaffirmed my morning rituals: sleep, celery juice, warm lime water, stillness + sweat. I moved my body more efficiently, fueled my body more intuitively, and found my feet. I became un-vegan, got grounded, I’m here. 
All we have is now.

I discovered spring rolls doused in peanut sauce from Chinatown hole-in-the walls- and finally tried Sweetgreen. It’s that good. I spent time in my untouched box + flow flagship, built out a franchise model and partnership with a skilled COO, and close friend. I explored solo travel and embraced solo time, alone but not lonely, I surrendered. (link below). I re-committed to rewriting my book proposal, committed to launching a podcast, and am officially training to be a certified life coach, without the leotard on.

I dug under the hood, to reconnect to my body – that which I’ve filled and emptied, fought + flowed with for years past. I did elective bloodwork to learn more and found deficiencies, lost my period, got my period, went on thyroid medication and went off. I dropped rigidity around rituals and found flexibility around, everything. I turned 34 and loved myself more. And I detached— from people, places, habits, outcomes.
I let go of the anxieties of what if, in favor of what is.
What if box + flow, my life for the past four years, ends because of Covid?
What if my business can’t reopen? What if my employees don’t return?
What if my landlord won’t lower my rent? What if I don’t find my prince charming?
I got present. “What if” isn’t real. “What is,” is.

I stopped fearing intimacy, (link below), and allowed myself to be seen, by seeing me. I stopped forcing plans, chasing relationships, saying yes when I meant no, agreeing to a second date, second chance, or otherwise. I stopped planning the outcome, in favor of experiencing the now. I stopped waiting. Waiting implies need. 
I have what I need.
I started dating, to date. To dress up, for me. Casual dating without expectation is way more fun. I stored my stilettos in favor of flats, started spending time sporadically with a man outside my “checked boxes” and comfort zone. But the sporadic times felt more meaningful. He was sent to me for a reason. This man gave me a book, (link below), which I read, and read again. I shared it with others and reached out to the writer. 
The writer became my teacher, a healer, my guru.

I continued to limit any self-deprecating beliefs in favor of committing to more self-love. Practicing what I preach, the hard work to LIVYOUNG to love yourself. I leaned into my intuition. In the past six months,
 I softened. I detached. I found my feet. I surrendered.

And I discovered psychedelics. Plant medicine, if you will. Or they found me. I’ve never done drugs—2 glasses of wine + I’m down for the count. Two martinis and I’m out for 2 days, but something called me to the toad ie 5MEO DMT, (link below.) DMT is the spirit molecule, the main active ingredient in ayahuasca, found naturally in the venom of a specific strain of toad, and the same molecule your brain secretes before you die, so they say…So you smoke it, and die—kind of. Your ego dies. The toad called me and I answered. Mike Tyson claims it changed his life, Tony Robbins, and Joe Rogan too. It changed mine. I showed up with no plan + no fear. It sounds dark, but it wasn’t. It was light, and love. I faced suppressed childhood trauma, deeply mourned the loss of loved ones I never expressed, shut my brain off, cried my eyes out and dropped my ego – any doubt, the need to prove myself, or otherwise. Poof! It all went up in smoke. And as the smoke cleared, I found my heart. But smoking the toad was just the beginning. Just a week later, I went deeper and darker into a different psychadelic — and a depth I cannot and will not return from. An even more intense trip, exposing truths from memories passed. Some good, some ugly. Worst nightmare type ugly. Really f**cking ugly. 

And after two trips, I’m through trips, unless they're trips to luxury hotels. Drugs are still not for me.
But clarity sure is. I’ve always preached “Everything You Need Is Inside---” our tools, to overcome the fight within, the doubt, the stories holding us back. Its plastered on the doors of my studios, the sweatshirt I wear daily, the mantra I teach from. But I didn’t and couldn’t have imagined the depth of its truth for me. Not my tools, but my answers. Why I am as I am, who I am. An answer I didn’t even recognize I was searching for, buried so deep in my subconscious, so dark, that would change and maybe explain, everything. 
And that is where the story begins. Buckle up.
Xo Olivia 

P.S. I love feedback + questions. Reply, ask, share.
P.P.S. I’m finally launching my podcast. Stay tuned. 


LINKS MENTIONED ABOVE:
Love In The Time of Corona
My Surrender Experiment
Love over Fear: Fear of Intimacy
Unattached
Book: Shadows on the Path
5-MeO DMT via Forbes