OPEN TO RECEIVE
“Why ask for help? I’ll just do it myself,” has long been a common theme for me. The idea of “using your tools," wasn’t always so obvious to me. For example, I used to think the blocks in yoga were for beginners only, they made class easy, even made me look weak, but actually, just the opposite, when used strategically. Of course, as tools do, they offer support, when in “need,” but they can also make class more challenging. Try one below each hand in hand stand to set your abs ablaze or between your legs in chair poss + squeeze, SURPRISE! Hello glutes, belly + inner thighs!
And while I often preach “Everything you need is inside,” that we have our tools + our answers, when we allow ourselves to hear our intuition, and quiet our pride. I’ve finally learned the power to receive from a mentor, friend, or guide — or just grabbing a block in yoga class. My egoic pride has long denied the support I so desired, -- a bold entrepreneur with three brothers, a fighter, unwilling to look weak! “I’m good, I’m strong, I have everything I need,” -- be it in business, love, really in any and every thing. Never wanting to appear “needy;” I was so used to my conditioning, my upbringing. It was easier to bury my feelings and go on the offensive, we didn't talk about "feelings," so I grew to assume I needed NOTHING but me. As such, I had never been much for talk therapy, my feelings and memories buried deep inside, autopilot on high but able to hide behind the excuse that I was "just fine," -- busy "doing" so I didn't have to feel, anything.
Over the past eight months, I’ve alluded that I’m on my own healing journey, tending to old wounds I've been suppressing. It's no wonder my first foray into "healing" was 5-MEO-DMT known for completely breaking down the ego side. Recently, after an intense and lengthy guided psychedelic therapy, my boyfriend at the time kept reminding me, kindly, “I’m here, whatever you need. Anything you need. Anytime, if you need…” But, instead of receiving the support, it REALLY fucking triggered me. My feelings aren’t comfortable being shared, heard or SEEN. “It’s NOT NEED!" My ego reacted, denying his generous offer, No matter how deeply I was hurting inside. “I’m not an invalid!!! I want to see you, I don’t NEED you!!!” “That’s not what I meant,” he replied. “Just meant I’m here for you if the going gets tough…”
I took a deep breath and a moment to quiet my raging inner ego queen, a pause to appreciate, to understand that he SAW me, this man cared enough to offer support, which in fact, I REALLY did need. And yet my ego reacted so abhorrently, my fire-soaked bravado, damaged inner child, needed a moment to own that vulnerability is not weak. Strength is actually being able to ask and to receive. And although my journey is my own, as is yours, I don’t, we don’t have to go through it completely alone.
I stand behind my sentiment that we all have our tools + answers, “Everything You Need is Inside.” But I will no longer let that stop me from using the block, phoning a friend, or just saying yes to an open hand. It doesn’t make me insufficient, on the contrary, it makes me strong - to own the piece of me that just needs to be held, heard and seen, no matter how old I am. Understanding that my reaction was just that little girl in me, needing to justify my value, and declare that I’m not weak.
And if I don’t need support, I will simply decline -- I will set the block aside, because there are certainly times when I can, in fact, do it myself. My heart and my intuition are (mostly) reliable inner guides. The same guy - he and I - ended it last week, trusting that our two month romance was complete. From start to end, he was there for me, unconditionally. We met days after I arrived in Austin, and as I transitioned to a new city, and in my own life, he held me in some incredibly trying times. It was very adult, as we navigated strong emotions together and healed eachother's old relationship patterns. -- but ultimately we both need different things. If we limit ourselves to the tools that we know, we limit our capacity to grow. Ask for what you need -- be open to receive. Your vulnerability + mine makes us strong – not weak, opening our hearts to both give + receive, the reason we’re here – to listen, be heard, to see + be seen. Sharing our open hearts – honestly. I’m grateful for seeing him + for him seeing me and the value of talking about feelings!! HAPPY SUNDAY. Tell Someone How You Feel. Ask For What You Need. and Don't forget to breathe.
LOVE, Always, Olivia
