What I Learned From A Six Year Itch

I opened my Box + Flow bank account in April 2016 and it over drew again this past week. I don’t hold money in it, really. But every month Bank of America takes their fee. And so, on Thursday, I called the 888 number crying. For the past two years, I’ve been holding onto the thought that it’d potentially reopen with hope, but without clarity and yet a deep knowing Box + Flow is a tool for healing, with deep purpose. It broke me open and helped others find both strength and softness as they faced their fight internally. Through tears, I told the BOA associate that it was the ending, for now at least. She comforted me, asked me to leave her a good review, and on my hot spot in my car, outside the yoga studio, I let all the tears empty from me.

I reminded myself, this isn’t an ending, but a beginning. We must let go to grow – create space to allow its next iteration to flow out of me. Same as I needed to let go of my 7-year stint at Altamarea Group to open Box + Flow, and then close doors of both studios nearly two years ago and move to Austin to begin my healing journey, with the help of psychedelic assisted therapy, blow up my life and then rebuild it. This past week was momentous for me, beyond closing said bank account, I also chose to end other things, personally. An ending and a beginning, trusting myself that no matter what, I am held – I am guided – I can trust me, no longer running from but grounding and growing into the next version of me. I believe.

But it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized that it was this exact weekend seven years ago that I opened Box + Flow on 55 Bond Street. It wasn’t easy. I doubted myself deeply – had conviction in April 2016, but lost my way after seeking too much advice outside of me. I stopped trusting myself simultaneously until I got the courage months later to sign the lease. Once committed, the world opened to me, friends and family showed up to help and support me and in 45 days, we opened.

I had never taught a class before, but I convinced teachers via Instagram to learn my method and come work for me. It was hard, but with grit, conviction, and resilience I just kept going. My confidence existed but was wavering, I didn’t see myself as the boss and so I was often taken advantage of -- employees stole and didn’t show up, but I just kept going. I was committed to helping inspire others as I’d been inspired through physicality but driven more by impact and less so money. And yet, I had subconscious wounding and although I desired to build a team and community, I had a hard time trusting that others didn’t just want something from me. As such, much of the time, I felt incredibly lonely.

Looking back, I was never lost, I was just learning.

I leaned into my fear with a deep knowing that my desire had deep meaning, and the universe conspired to support and guide me. Once I stopped fighting, more and more began flowing. And as the energy shifted, the team and community began growing with me. Magical and maniacal, it was exactly what was meant to be. In those four dark, dingy walls upstairs on Bond Street, I was “Bringing Mindfulness to the Fight,” preaching the lessons as I was learning, “We have to face ourselves, our fight within, to find our flow, to free ourselves.” I took my own advice, most of the time, and similarly, I had no idea why I was preaching from such a warrior mentality. Why did I so deeply identify with lack, fear, unworthy, scarcity?

But we kept building – the team and a new building, my dream studio at 218 Lafayette Street, which opened just three weeks before Covid. But again, with trust of the universe, as the world (and my studios) closed, I was forced to slowed down and allowed myself to open. It became very clear that it was time to dig into me, to understand why I’d long felt so alone on my journey, chosen self-sabotage over self-love, in most of my relationships and internally. Plant medicine called me, and I moved to Austin, to understand me and heal via psychedelic assisted therapy. The more I faced my fight with softness and surrendered, the more I opened to me. With flow and trust, I was again guided to people, places and tools, to assist with my healing. I’d come to learn that I’d long suffered from complex PTSD, but via suppressed subconscious memories, I’d put together my pieces and find understanding, self-compassion and forgiveness for me. And now I’m here.

Looking back to the past two years, the past seven years, and all the years prior,
I was never lost; I was just learning.
Once hardened, I became softer.
Once empty, I became whole.
I learned to feel deeper, To laugh more, To cry more, To hide less.
I learned to love, me First. To trust me, always. The truth heals.

So, I say unto you as I’ve said unto me, whatever your challenge may be – try on less resistance and more ease, just JUMP. Trust the not knowing. Let life unfold in its own way. We figure it out along the way, surrender into what will be. We WILL mess up along the way but can begin again and again, be and become whomever we want to be.

DO the HARD things, the easy things, ALL of the things. You don’t need answers, you just need to keep going. And if you get stuck, UNSTUCK yourself, flow through the fight, move out of your own way.
Less seeking out, more looking in, Be careful who you seek advice from –TRUST your knowing,
Because “I think I can,”
becomes “I know I can,”
becomes, “I am.”
And with faith, I am becomes, “I am exactly where I’m meant to be.”
In the meantime, have a good time, but what scares you because it is YOUR messy, sexy, story to write.
If you feel lost, ask for help, but The ONLY Permission you need is YOUR own.

Share your stories without guilt, fear or SHAME. Be grateful. Keep fighting the good fight, wear the lingerie. Eat the burger, smoke the 5MEO DMT, hallucinate! DANCE, F*CK, EAT, CREATE, FIGHT, CRY, LAUGH, LOVE, STAY, LEAVE, LEARN, HEAL, LIVE. CELEBRATE.
Put in the hard work to learn you, to learn to love you,
Because Everything WE Need is Inside.

Trust yourself. Love yourself. YOU are held, you are guided.
Keep going. #flowthruthefight
Cheers to more adventures and endless lessons.
Love always, Olivia

**If you've joined me for any part of the ride, THANK YOU.
It wouldn't have been the same without you.