Shame On You. Who Me?

Shame is such a dirty word. Isn’t it? Yet we throw it around willingly. Pass it along, put it on our friends and family. I woke up thinking about shame briefly. 
Shame can show up like this: 

“How could you post that photo of us!”

“How could you do that?!”

“You’re actually wearing that out?” 

“Did you really eat the whole thing?” 

“The neighbors are asking if you’re ok.” 

“Don’t post anything embarrassing.” 

The funny thing about shame is that it’s never ours, rather put on us because of what the accuser is experiencing. So, when shame shows up, I find it really powerful to energetically turn the finger back at the person pointing. And if you’re the one shaming, take a second and consider why you’re projecting. As a multi-time sexual assault survivor, I’ve come to realize that it was never about me … just shame and pain put on me and put in me as a result of someone else’s inadequacies. This sounds simple. It’s not, but in healing, I no longer carry others’ shame as my own. That is how we take our power back, regardless of whether the shame we’re carrying is big or small. It was never ours in the first place. So, give it back! 

Even if it’s as simple as the examples above. Not Mine! Return to sender. 

I challenge you to consider where in your life you feel guilty, anxious or afraid because of the shame others’ have put upon you? The “how could you,” “why would you?” And I dare you to take your power back — with grace, of course. See them, honor them in their expression of shame and realize that it isn’t about you, was never about you, and energetically turn the finger pointing at you, back at them. 

And how do we deal with our own shame? A question I pondered this weekend. We confront it. I recently ended my relationship, moved out, and am going through the rollercoaster of emotions that is grief, growth, anger, sadness, regret, freedom, courage, loneliness and the like … and of course the temporary shame that is disappointment, as a now single 36 year old that desires marriage and kids. But that’s just a story, and not my shame! But in times of transition, I find it really easy to fall back into old patterns: to fill the empty feelings with scrolling or grazing or drinking or online dating or whatever else we fill with from time to time, self sabotaging. So in the nature of transparency, I fully admit to over indulging in this really delicious coco whip last night. I filled my feelings. Did I shame myself for it? Not really, I did it knowingly and woke up this morning and recommitted to my daily routine: meditate, journal, pray, fuel, move myself out of my way … 

And in my journal, I faced my feelings, and rid myself of my shame. Because the truth might HURT momentarily … but the truth HEALS permanently. 

We deal with our shame by confronting it, by putting words to it, by not hiding it or lying about it rather sweeping it out from under the rug, shaking it out of our piles of perfectly folded laundry, putting names to our feelings. And so, my journal this morning read, lots of things including: 

“Last night I was sad and drowned myself in coco whip, missing him, albeit momentarily. Or the idea of him really. Or maybe just a warm body. But I have a warm body. That loves coco whip so I’m ok … My body is tired. Emotionally exhausted. I think it’s been almost a year since I’ve slept deeply, at peace rested. With my coco whip filled belly I finally slept, 9+ hours, to reset myself from all these feelings, and I’m ok …And I’ll keep going. Another day.”

And poof, be gone, no more shame. It’s the secrets that keep us living in the loop of our shame, the pain that leads us to fill our empty, instead of fuel our lives and live fully. And our judgement of others’ actions is just a projection of our own shame. When I stopped judging myself, I stopped judging others. 

So, my advice?
Face yourself to free yourself. 
Find ease through your own resistance, and flow through your fight. 
Trust that everything you need is inside. 

Face your shame. It’s not yours to carry! I’ve spent years digging into me, and the more I understand me, the better I can be of service to others. I always say we have to work hard to live young, to learn ourselves, to love ourselves from the inside out. And part of the learning is about confronting our shame. 

I’d love to work with you — 45 days to round out the year. Let’s make some change, for the better. 
Click here to book a 20 minute discovery call. Trust me, you’re worth it. xx

Olivia