Letting Go to Grow

Last week I cancelled my boxing trainer just before my session. My body is tired of fighting, mind too, and I’m tired of fighting my body. I honored my tired, “Max, not today." Until my ego got in the way, the part of me that likes fighting said internally,  “Don’t be lazy Olivia, you always feel more powerful when you get in the ring.” True. Boxing found me as a coping mechanism to get out of my mind and back into my body. “F’ck it,” I replied, back to Max and myself, “See you soon.” Black leotard on and I ran out the door, to arrive at the boxing gym just minutes after Joe Rogan left. I wrapped my hands, gloved up and warmed up on the heavy bag, facing myself. Less than ten minutes in and I hit my hand weirdly, pinching a nerve, realizing that the universe is urging me to stop gripping. Less force, less fight, more feel. I couldn’t even make a fist. Ok Universe, I’m listening. 

I often reference the book, “Your Body Keeps the Score,” a profound tool in my healing journey. We have our tools and our answers, once we stop fighting, our lives start flowing. Trauma gave me shame, pain, and armor to hide my truth, which have become gifts I now receive in gratitude. Without said obstacles to overcome, I wouldn’t have resiliency, or the grit to turn my pain into power, ego protecting me — survival tools. Over the past year and a half, I’ve certainly slowed down, but there is still more listening, more letting go, more surrendering. I left the boxing gym still judging me, had I listened to my intuition, I wouldn’t be suffering. The other voice within whispered more lovingly, “Trust yourself, be easy.” My hand no longer able to grip anything, a manifestation of needing to control, and life’s way of telling me to let go. 

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a control freak, trying to control any and everything- time, progress, relationships, my body. I’m tired of trying! “Take control of what’s controlling you,” was a phrase I would post and repeat internally. Funny, I now honor how ironic that seems, because we can’t make space to grow, unless we stop gripping.

Two days following, my friend Teresa sent me Evan Rachel Wood’s recent appearance on the Drew Barrymore show as a spokesperson for sexual abuse survivors. “I should not be this scared to tell the truth…Be that person, if you have the platform and the privilege to help other people, dear God use it.” Her vulnerability triggered my responsibility. While my sharing has been scary, it is rooted in a deep sense of knowing that shedding light on what scares us, the shadows that we hide behind, to make them less scary, is my purpose. But the video left the survivor in me frozen, a trauma response, freezing at the notion that so many people live in the pain of silence— but I can no longer get stuck, I must use my voice. 

(**fight or flight is also a trauma response, ironically box + flow was a subconscious creation for my trauma response.) 

But I didn’t thaw immediately. I attempted to move myself out of my way, run from the pain, as I’ve done for years subconsciously. Sneakers laced, but my body refused, I couldn’t move. So I walked to yoga to re-embody and rid myself of grief through deep breathing. I inhaled up dog as I lifted from my palms, pelvis, to open my chest, and down dog, belly to spine, hands down, hips back, grounded, back home. Slowly, more intentionally, and when I felt myself returning back to homeostasis, out of dissociation or distress, I lodged a cork block between my shoulder blades on my back, feet together, knees apart, butterfly pose, arms resting outward, heart wide open, eyes closed, and let my grip go. Deep release, I fell asleep in a 20 minute corpse pose. An ending and a beginning. 

I wandered home, and hugged my boyfriend, tears streaming. He’s witnessed me opening, and vice versa, and receives my emotions without questioning. Asking for support is another new tool I carry proudly. Surrounding myself with support, “my wolf pack,” has been a huge part of my healing and integrating. The best gift I’ve gifted myself is digging into my subconscious memories via psychedelic therapy. Beyond healing, now integrating, I can take myself out of the triggering, and instead of self sabotaging lean into self regulating.

Still sad, I wasn’t yet completely grounded. And watching myself from 30,000, feet, I found myself perusing the fridge, because I was both hungry and empty, looking for self soothing. For years of my life I’ve reached out for anything to fill my empty—sad, traumatized, scared, grieving inner child. I noticed the beer on the top shelf calling me, “I can numb your pain,” beer whispered. But I’m deep in my pre-Ayahuasca dieta which limits booze, sugar, sex, violent media, chocolate, caffeine, most animal proteins, and it was way too early for a drink. But in that moment I saw all of the moments I’ve spent filling my pain instead of fueling me — be it with anything, even trauma bonding to men who were not for me. I tossed together a butter lettuce salad with fresh herbs, avocado and sardines (oops), and began eating. I paused and coerced myself into moving more slowly. But in that first bite, I felt comfort, distracted from self loathing. Food and otherwise can offer that, but can also be used to distract instead of bringing us closer to our bodies. I sat outside for sunshine in silence, with deep breaths and slower, intentional eating. I let myself weep, honoring me, instead of numbing the pain because I couldn’t tolerate my feelings. Proud of me for not filling my space, body or energy with anything other than reality — nothing external, just my breath, the noise of downtown Austin, and me. When we slow down we allow ourselves to feel everything. I want to feel everything. 

I was present with my grief, without distracting. Instead of attempting to control the discomfort, I listened and honored my fear. Because the fear is knowledge. The angst that caused me to dissociate, and reach outside of me, filling my empty, no longer serves me. Nor does running away from the information it’s serving. Instead of giving my power away, I began processing. I felt and then released. I will always be healing, and learning me to love me, which often involves seeing myself from outside of me, a Birdseye view into me.

I spent much of the past two months trying to control everything. I felt myself emerging from this dark healing journey, ready to start creating but fixated on “what was next” and tired of “waiting.” Ironically, at the same time, my apple watch went missing. Until last week, when I found it hiding right under my drivers seat, where I’ve searched time and again. When I stopped fixating on time, my watch appeared right in front of me. My grip softened, surrendering into possibility. Everything we need is inside, but we have to be willing to listen, without fighting, honor our intuition and stop hiding from what feels scary. 

Are you willing to face yourself to free yourself? To look within to see what you're hiding from? That empty feeling. Are you filling instead of fueling? Are you willing to let go of what is controlling you? If I can, We all can.

Speaking of, on today’s podcast I interview Jay Godfrey of Nushama, a network of legal psychedelic wellness clinics that specializes in supervised psychedelic treatments for sustained relief from depression, anxiety, chronic pain, addiction and trauma-induced mood disorders in a safe environment. Currently Nushama focuses on FDA-approved Ketamine assisted therapy, which allows the patient to experience different planes of consciousness, with less control, so patients can heal. 

When we stop gripping, we make space to grow. Cheers to self growth, self love, and surrendering what was by seeing what is — and speaking truth, no matter how scary.
With that, my inbox is always open. As are two 1:1 coaching spots. Reply here. 

Love always,
Olivia