My mentor sent me these Grateful Dead lyrics following my second Ayahuasca journey this week, while my first left me wondering, journey two provided more clarity: until we see ourselves we cannot see another. Healing from the inside out, contributes to the healing of society. I’m so Grateful to be Alive.

And so, this journey was different, more horrifying but aligned with my intentions entirely. Early instances of trauma result in dissociating. In this phase of healing, I’m focused on reconnecting with my body, re-inhabiting the vessel that carries me so that I can fully trust, thrive, connect, and create from a place of knowing. For much of my life I haven’t been able to feel into the core needs of survival, ie nurturing, feeding, trusting, instead trauma left with me different gifts, grief that I turned into hyper vigilance, fine tuned instinct. Before I drank her medicine, I chose a card, “A Beautiful Place,” I was excited for Ayahuasca to merge with my subconscious, not realizing that to create such beauty, I first had to clear more remnants of trauma, stuck energy, fight, inhibiting my flowing buried deeper in memory. This journey was more so Mister Toads Wild Ride, more trauma buried deeper than prior.

I was in a trusting set and setting with my incredible guide, and the medicine urged, “If You Are Safe, Say Yes, and Keep Going.” Albeit horrifying, I kept going. Healing happens in layers, and as I continue to shed the past, I create more beauty within me, reconnecting to my soul energy, knowing that my internal world will be reflected outside of me. I hope to help heal the collective pain by helping others heal themselves, by creating safety to start feeling. While some may not want to know “why” they feel stuck, or subconsciously frozen in time, I didn’t come this far to come this far and no longer want to operate from fear but clarity. No matter how painful, it was beautiful because I’m alive. And no longer allowing others’ pain and shame to hijack my life. Clarity is freeing.

Ayahuasca requires a “dieta” for two weeks prior, a clearing, cleansing of the mind and body to prepare your body and psyche: no animal products, excess salt, sugar, chocolate, caffeine, alcohol, sex, violent media or TV. So much of what we consume, or “do” distracts us from feeling, because feelings are scary. But numbing or bypassing pushes us farther away instead of closer into ourselves. This elimination offers a lens to see ourselves more clearly.

Two weeks of clarity and I honor that alcohol numbs me, obviously. I don’t drink a lot but drink often, distracting. I was a vegetarian until age 23, ironic because my family works in "meat," but I'm an athlete, and while my mind likes the idea and often chooses just veggies, my body craves animal protein. Less thinking, more feeling. Caffeine takes me out of my body, into my mind, racing. Sugar poisons my gut, and blocks my ability to trust me. Excess media leads to judgment or feeling unworthy, and constant work, moving or doing is just busying. Stillness is where I do my best processing. Bottom line, our internal worlds are projected externally. I no longer seek to distract me, or separate from me or other, instead integrate and honor the skin I live in as part of something much greater than me. We must tend to our psyche, and our bodies, the inner gardens, our feelings, so that we can operate from a place of feeling not less than, but FREE, and love ourselves and each other unconditionally.

In gratitude, here are a few of the things below which I focused on while “eliminating,” which I recommend for everyone. See it as a challenge to which we learn from revealing knowledge we already have, if we stop distracting. And listen, honoring that Everything We Need is Inside.
Love always, Olivia.

MEETING AYAHUASCA AGAIN