lonely

I never thought I would be single at 32.
My “plans” were married by 24. Kids at 26.
So in alignment with said plans, I filled space with empty relationships since age 15, in hopes for a husband, a house on Miami Beach, a big kitchen + bigger backyard to host a camp full of kids, 4 like my mom. But perfect plans are perfectly unpredictable. I never planned on running a business — alone. Or living in NYC, alone. Ironically, My Fear, not my plan was being alone. So the sporadic serious + not so serious love affairs were intended for outcome, to fit my previous plans. I never thought about getting to know me.

When I committed to box + flow, I flipped the switch. Shut off the noise. Threw out my plans + committed to me. So extreme that I actually left an ex-boyfriend in Boston, via uber in the middle of the night, to commit to 55 bond street the next day and signed the lease a month later. I needed to shed old me, to lean into new me. New me without the need of shelter, or belonging. New me with no definition no job title no boyfriend, no plan. I needed to face myself to free myself.
Box + flow gave me freedom.
So I share freely — because I feel if I do, you will too. Maybe even be less afraid to share your dark parts. We all have darkness. I face mine, regularly. Because we can’t grow if we don’t know - who we are.
Me? I’m really good with people — wide social net, but maintain very few close friends. I’m an extroverted introvert. I need time alone. But it doesn’t mean im not lonely.
Truth is, even if you’re not “alone”, married - dating - have a house full of kids, and still feel lonely.
So rather than fill my space with extra, I decided I needed to get to know me first. To build a relationship to me. With me. I choose this journey of introspection as a choice. The more I know me, the more I can Contribute to this space, from an honest place. I will continue to lean in, knowing that if I have me, I am never alone. But it doesn’t mean im not lonely.

If we don’t know ourselves, how can we be for anyone else? Professionally or personally. Im not who I was yesterday. Or at 24. And I won’t be the same tomorrow. There is nothing more real than how we feel. Not our thoughts. but our feelings. Not our egos but our hearts. And To feel, you have to dig below the surface. You have to go deep. When I started box + flow, I shut off the noise. My self doubt. To focus on self love. I was holding onto so much resistance, so much fight — I needed flow in my life.
Box + flow, Like life, is that practice. TO face yourself.
To fight yourself, to feel your resistance and let it go to find your ease. And box + flow, like life-- is challenging. And so is self love. But we #flowthruthefight.

What if we commit to ourselves, to the hard work, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically to create A better version of us today for tomorrow? What if we work thru what isn’t serving us, to make space for what does? Seems intense, but it doesn’t have to be. Chip away at the old, the habits, the stale energy everyday - to make space for the new.
With less fight, and more flow
With less fear and more hope
With less doubt and more love.
Look within. Come to know ourselves to grow ourselves.

It is hard work to get to know yourself, and more work to learn to love yourself,
but if you don’t love you - who will? A question I ponder frequently: If I don’t love me — who will? #flowthruthefight #workhard #livyoung