UNgrateful

I have been feeling Ungrateful lately
You know that glass half empty
Self pity Masochistic,
Why don’t I have
Why aren’t I?
Im not enough shit?

Because life shows up like that sometimes
Because I show up like that sometimes #human —

Tied up in knots of being less than my best.
And I gotta stand up to myself
Those should be, could be, Demons
I gotta shut them down .Practice what I preach
Recognize and actually celebrate what I have –
Not what I don’t.

But for the last few weeks,
Ive been a real hypocrite.

My birthday is coming up---
And life came down -- rather, I came down on me, hard.

Dark. Not light.
No flow. Just fight.
I started reaching out –
I stopped looking in.
There was too much darkness, to sift thru it.
I even tried to run away — not literally, but you know, from the feelings.
I booked a ticket to the mountains. To silence my inner critic. But running from me, is not the answer.
I know everything I need is inside.

I was using fitness, my passion as punishment,
To inflict pain instead of pleasure. So that I could just. Feel. Something.
I was filling my life with only extra, Instead of fueling my time –
With mindless TV, Mindless food, drinks, dates.

Ungrateful emotion. Detached from myself.
I would lay down to sleep, my sacred time,
And spend hours stressing in my sheets –
Unable to shut off my SHOULD BE’s.
The SHOULDS kept getting louder,
The self doubt self pity self hate demons:
I should be farther,
I should be married, more successful.
I should be better, faster, I should be MORE.

I hate the word should!!!
I don’t even allow it in my vocabularly.
Yet, I’ve been shoulding for the past week ---
And on top of all else,
Ive been adding insult to injury, literally.
Running more, and getting nowhere,
On an injured ankle,
Trying to feel SOMETHING
Because all ive been feeling lately,
Is disappointed.
In myself.

Until 11 hours of sleep,
After I shut off my noise, the world, the pettiness
My self doubt. And put myself to bed in tandem with the new moon,
To wake up for Leo season, Refreshed,
And look forward with gratitude instead of fear --
To another year around the sun.
To find my celebration thru the struggle –
To choose flow instead of fight. To choose me.

I am where I am because I am here,
I am who I am because I am me.

And I share this with you because we all have our “SHOULD’s”

Our dark, our demons.
I’m unafraid to share mine.
We must face ourselves to free ourselves,
Everyday.

I’m grateful to be who I am – harshest critic and biggest fan,
Forever seeking a better version of me, finding strength thru my struggles, everyday.
Instead of blinded by our shortcomings,
Lets celebrate our strengths.
Are you your harshest critic or biggest fan? Can you find the #balance in both?
Because life is in real time —- No shouldas, no couldas. Just here.
And that in itself is worth of celebration. #flowthruthefight #workhard #livyoung