NYC: Matzoh Ball Soup For The Soul

I was reluctant to say Yes. Yes, to an opportunity to bring Box + Flow back to New York City, one day only, 300 influencers, and for a good chunk of money. But the fear in me, and some latent shame lingered. And so I came up with all the excuses not to:

-I’m worth more than they’re offering.
-They’re paying me but not paying me for travel.
-It’s too last minute and negotiating is taking too long.
-It’s fashion week, no hotels are available and they’re all too expensive.

My pocket full of excuses was covering up my truth. It’s never about the excuse — butwhat’s underneath. Shame & fear still lingered in me. The shame of leaving unfinished dreams. The fear of returning to my home of 11 years prior, where I grew, learned & sewed my oats and then disappeared mid covid — leaving a then closed, 3-week opened studio to Austin to heal, what I’d begin learning was deep subconscious trauma buried in me. With both studios closed, and my life blown open, I didn’t much know who I was. I’d spent the past 11 years defined by “doing,” first Brand Director of a Global Hospitality Firm and then, “Founder of Box + Flow.” When I moved to Austin, I left to learn me, to learn to love me, void of all my doing and external defining. I left to heal. I left to understand me.

But returning meant facing the feelings —“Do I even want to teach box + flow? Am I ready to go back?” “Flow thru the fight,” and so I leaned in closer, with ease…."Olivia, I coached myself, choose easy.”

So, I booked a 36 hour quick trip. When the flight was delayed, more excuses poured in on my internal playlist, “If the flight doesn’t go … it just wasn’t meant to be I guess,” still avoiding, looking for reasons to jump ship. Even en route to the airport I felt the resistance, playing mental mind games. Weeks ago, I turned down an Ayahuasca journey, and when I did, the Box + Flow opportunity opened, but as I walked to Gate 21, I wondered if I’d chosen the wrong thing. This was merely my fear and anxiety leading. “Breathe, baby girl, breathe.”

As I walked to the plane, I received a text from a love interest from the past, inviting me to a concert in Austin this weekend — as if my past was attempting to hold me back as I was stepping into my future simultaneously. The Universe does this, tempts us, tests us, my Shaman cohort friend Stephen calls it the momentum tunnel. I didn’t much consider but felt the nostalgia fill my heart and belly, love of that which was past, and hope for what was coming forward. “Stay here Baby girl, keep going.”

At the airport I ran into a friend who’s business has provided me pivotal tools for my journey, a specific strain of mushrooms I use personally and for space I hold for others in therapy, wild timing, considering it’d been 3-years since my first journey into psychedelics. I don’t believe in coincidence. And when our flight was delayed, he took the initiative to transfer to a new flight hours later. I love being a bold, independent woman, yet what I love even more is feeling safe when a man, yep I said it, a man, takes initiative. I surrendered to his efficiency and at that point, let spirit take the lead. Thinking, “I Surender, to you God, take the wheel, please…”

And once I surrendered to the journey, all the doors opened up to me, once I decided I wasn’t going to limit my opportunity in constriction or control, I let God guide me and so I began sensing this wind beneath my wings, blowing me forward.  I landed in Newark later than expected, hopped into an $111 Uber and arrived at the hotel on the same block I lived until I left 3 years prior. The lonely pang hovered momentarily — the sense I loss I felt before leaving. At the desk, I kindly asked for an upgrade. “No,” he said, until I rolled my suitcase to the elevator, “…I moved some things.” And then I arrived to a Suite, 808. 8 is the number for infinity. “To infinity and beyond,” just like Buzz Lightyear I couldn’t help but think. I smiled. Grace was following me, God was guiding me, all I needed to do was receive. And so I did.

Later than planned, my plans cancels and so I took to the streets of my old Soho hood, walking up Spring where I walked to and from for nearly 11 years. The streets felt busy but eerie, post Covid felt different, or was it me? Nostalgia poured in from my old life there. At 10P, way past my bedtime, I texted my best friend from Austin, who was also in town, and we serendipitously met at my favorite bar downtown, the Ear Inn. If you’ve not been, please go. Get the burger with cheddar, extra ketchup, no bun with breakfast potato “fries.” I used to take first dates there, feeling safe, knowing the bartenders and my neighbors had their eye out for me. It felt so special to spend time with a sister who also lived in NYC for years, even in the same building as me 227 Mulberry Street, but whom I’d not met until I moved to Texas. I went to sleep filled with love and less lonely and woke up to a rested, ready lioness that had been half sleeping, restoring for the past three years. She’d, I came back to life.

I moved to Texas to heal. To face me, all the trauma, demons, buried in me and the habits, patterns and conditioning I’d lived with as a result— the need to be seen, overcompensate, overwork, the insecurity, numbing, shame, fear, inadequacy, armor that manifested from the unprocessed trauma. And in that upheaval and then integration that followed, I shut down, shut off, retreated from the chaos I was living.And then, I had to soften my energy and reconnect— channeling my vitality in a different way — from my heart, less to prove my worth, more from a deep knowing that I am, as we all are, inherently worthy, simply because we’re here.

When I woke up Wednesday morning, I felt like I’d been reborn again. I laced up my sneakers to reacquaint myself with the West Side Highway, the running path for years where I returned to my body from the anxiety of my mind every morning, where I ideated. The energetic surge felt like ascension, renewal, awakening. 36 hours wasn’t enough. I had to stay. I forgot how much I loved this place. The place that taught me courage and grit. New York gave me purpose, wings, hope, helped me step into my dreams. “Baby girl, you were just scared,” I said to myself with empathy and kindness, finally admitting the root of my excuses. But my energy was overwhelming, on fire. There’s a reason Icarus got burned. My mind racing, “I’m ready. Maybe I’ll come back and open studios…” As I ran and looped around to get to yoga class, I felt my ankle tweak. This was God’s reminder, to stop rushing, stop planning, just be. “Slow down, baby girl …one moment at a time” My brain has often moved faster than my body. And so I prayed, “Please God, just let me get to yoga.” And with a bit of finesse, I made it the 20 blocks half hobbling and five minutes late, with spirit blowing me forward, the wind beneath my wings.

Post class, deep sweat, deep release, I extended my trip, free of charge, and persuaded the hotel to find room for me one more night. Leotard on, I got ready to teach 300 influencers to flow thru their fight. As I taught five classes alongside celebrity doctors, I further realized the pain of this 2D world we live in, where so much is valued by our external being. I believe we’re just meat suits costuming energy. But our society views this differently. It was alarming to see world’s biggest Tik Tok star in person, presenting, soft spoken, insecure IRL. This is the facade, the veil of he 2D world we live in. But my classes were a beautiful lesson - I used my energy, channeled that fire in me, but was again reminded of the difficulty many have with literally tolerating their own company, moving and breathing, or just being still. The snickering got louder when I coached the groups to just hug themselves, back to mat, knees to chest. It felt great to use my voice in a different way, but I also was reassured that what I’m meant is no longer best served disguised by a jab-cross-hook, or in this case, deeper than “fighting away your acne.” The event was for a skincare brand. I’m here to move people from their heads, back to their bodies, spirit, hearts— into their subconcious programming.

After a lot of moving, I surrendered again to the universe, not having made firm plans, that I would be guided to those I was meant to see, trusting I’d be served with what was necessary in healing the part of me that left the city. I walked from 46th & 12th to spontaneously meet a friend, sister, former COO of box + flow and guide. Hugging her for the first time in 3 years was surreal after spending so much time building a business in the darkness of Covid. Kristin held me closely, a confidant and nurturing ear in the months leading up to me leaving New York, in the beginning of my healing, and for many months after.

Leaving, my phone pinged, “Are you in NYC? Come to Fouquet’s! I didn’t pack for a night on the town but so craved the glamour of NYC, people, energy, intensity. “The rooftop is private, but they know you’re coming. Dress sexy.”  It was as if she’d heard my calling. After my memory of my first sexual assault, Erika was one of the first people I confided in. With the wind guiding me and pep in my step I hightailed it to Hudson & Canal, changed quickly into whatever I could muster up and met her in Tribeca. We drank gorgeous rose champagne amidst the most beautiful hotel and time froze momentarily.

And yet the clock was ticking, I’d only had a few hours left. I hurriedly headed back East to Soho to meet Mayra, another sister who believed in me when I barely believed in myself. Helped me build community at Box + Flow, a cheerleader who’s love was unconditional, like family. When we walked into our old haunt Jacks Wife Freda on Spring Street, the manager & bartender scooped me up instantly. The space nearly tripled in size but grew almost enough to encompass all the love that was always there. We spent hours catching up over Matzoh Ball Soup and green sauce, as if I’d never left. The city, the company, the love felt like Matzoh Ball Soup for my soul. I was home.

Next, I hopped a cab to meet a guy from earlier at Casa Cipriani, a private members club and another gorgeous hot spot overlooking the Statue of Liberty, very see and be scene “Taylor Swift and Charlize Theron and Hailey Beiber ….” I felt gorgeous and glitzy, not NYC but rather my essence, so different from the monotony, and often solitary I’ve spent in my journey healing, and the casual, sweaty Austin life. I didn’t once consider leaving until 1A when the bar was closing, and headed home past my 8:30P bedtime, with no regret. I stayed out of my routine and my head and instead just kept saying yes …

“Trust the unknown…” a song that was lingering on repeat in my head …

I only got 5.5 hours of sleep but woke free and determined to get in my last laps on the west side before catching my flight. Before I laced up my sneakers to greet the day, I sat and wrote a letter to my old boss and former investor — a letter I’d resisted writing, because of my old friends, fear and shame. For 7 years I was Brand Director at Altamarea Group opening restaurants with a celebrity chef, under the guise of my CEO Ahmass, the former President of Merrill Lynch. Ahmass hired me at 23, basically gave me my MBA and was my first and only investor in my new, never really opened, Box + Flow studio. Ahmass was my mentor for so many years, in many ways the first person to believe in me, empowered me, and I was ashamed I let him down, closed Box + Flow and didn’t return when the world reopened post covid, but my soul knew I had other plans.

And so I finally sat down to write him a quick email to share the extent of his impact on my life, with deep reverence and gratitude, for seeing my potential and giving me opportunity. Emailing him felt like a loop was closing as I let go of the shame my heart was still carrying for letting go of what Box + Flow used to be.

With that release, I went to find my feet … embodied, integrated, present, grateful, open, guided, clear, hopeful, home — not a place, New York City, but in me — a feeling, the home I’ve built in healing me for 3 years. I stretched my ankle and prayed, “Please God, carry me, keep my body safe.” I ran up the West Side Highway, free. “My gosh, how grateful I am,” I said on repeat… out loud and internally. “Thank you God.” As the sun shone down on me and the crisp September Air breathed through me, I was reminded of the power of what I consider the holy trinity, integrating Mind. Body. Spirit. To  “Trust, surrender, receive.” And that’s when I ran into another angel, Cassie, who introduced me to 5MEO-DMT, the first psychedelic I ever did,  that opened up my Pandora’s Box, that started my journey. I’d thought about her but didn’t plan to meet. It was on her colonic table that I’d first acknowledged how stuck I was feeling.  Days after speaking, I’d jump into what became my three year journey of losing me to find me. And there she was running past me. We hugged. What a gift. Thank you God for serving me the people, places, experiences, lessons and otherwise exactly as needed. Along my way, I’ve had hundreds of guides and angels carrying me as I dug into the darkness of my past, — who all became chosen family … and in the short time in New York City, so many of them reappeared just on time.

Reminded that “Everything You Need is Inside,” as the front doors of my studios said, I looped back to make my flight but first ran past Chelsea Piers, passed the benches I’d dropped my home key three years prior. How can you get inside if you have no key? The symbolism was too clear —I’d been locked out of my home, my heart, for years. And had to find a new way to open … and that’s when I found psychedelic assisted therapy and since have curated a tool kit for healing myself and then others - to bring us home. I was no longer locked out. I found me. Back towards the hotel, I noticed a butterfly landed on a tree in front of the Freedom Tower. For years, I’d run everyday and take a photo of the tower, “Forgiveness is the freedom we gift ourselves.” The butterfly was landed, flapping its wings, waiting. “I wonder why she’s not ready to fly…I thought … equating it to my journey…” That was often reflective of my own experience, waiting, worrying, when I’d be ready to fly … impatient, trying to control the timing of my life, until my friend Stephen healed my perspective: “Olivia, she’s just taking a pause to rest and reset for a moment, Everyone needs a pause." And as soon as my thought cleared, the butterfly again took flight. “Ready, I thought. Me too. I was just resting.” Everyone, even me needs to rest sometimes. I was just reacquainting myself with my heart.

I ran towards the Freedom Tower and realized the deep significance of the timing — all those I’d run into that played roles in my unfulring, burning, building, who held space for me albeit from afar, when I’d felt so alone. And with that, now the forgiveness I was now giving myself to let go to set me free from any of the old ghosts lingering. We think that forgiveness is about forgiving others — and sure, of course it is. But what forgiveness actually does is opens up more space in our own hearts. If / when we hold grudge, that space, that energy is sullied by negativity. By letting go of that pain, we open our own capacity for more love. Forgiveness is the freedom we gift ourselves. And what a beautiful gift it is — more love, more life.

“Life Shrinks or Expands in Proportion to One's Courage” — Anais Nin

Different then my all black ninja chic workout attire, I LIVe in color and so I arrived at the airport in piles of patterns, my favorite Nirvana tee-shirt, "transcendent state in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor sense of self, and the subject is released from the effects of karma and the cycle of death and rebirth," a sweater covered in red roses, duality: grit and soft, with thorns, naturally — just like the roses that lined my boxing studios, my camouflage luggage, ready for anything, and my big Gucci tote from college — a smorgasbord aliveness. I boarded the flight and sat next to an old man and his beautiful wife … and a reminder to cherish those you love because time is our most valuable asset. But like most other things, I don’t believe it's about having the most, but making the most of what we have. So I’m heading to Florida to spend time with the family I love and loves me … Love is the bridge. It connects everything.

I love you always,

Olivia
And if you celebrate Rosh Hashana, Happy New Year - a sweet new year, to life, L’Chaim.

Songs I love that accompanied this journey:

Link to my BF playlist:
Champion

Trust in the unknown
I Release Control

If you are ready to experience more life — that’s what I do. I remind people how alive they are using a variety of tools:  From the mind, to the body, to the spirit, to bring you home into you. We reprogram the subconscious and the nervous system to create a space that truly feels aLIVe. So, how alive are you willing to feel? Are you ready to take a look inside? To feel more?

What’s blocking you from your heart? Let’s move through it with grace, with ease, I am here to hold you in your pain so that you can remember your power. THERE IS SO MUCH LOVE THERE. Find me via livyoung.co or DM me.