Dancing At My Wedding

I woke up yesterday morning in my own bed, back in Texas, after a week of travel — filled with love and lessons. And as much as I love company and companionship, I love returning to my quiet corner of the world. I love my own bed. And my solo abode … which used to trigger deep lonely, but I’ve built a home within me. And I really love my own company.  The solitude isn’t solitary — Learning to tolerate your own company is an incredible part of the journey … healing, a homecoming.

Post rise, I ritual: light candles at my altar — with deep desire to get grounded, and shed any external energy that was not mine. Energy is sticky — clearing & cleaning is vital to our own wellbeing. I like to use all elements for this: water to rinse, fire to burn, smoke to clear … In the early morning hours, dark but with flames burning, I dove into my practices connecting from head to body to heart: meditating, journaling, prayer and ceremony. With music playing, I settled my energy: and although my rituals are layered, less “check off the list,” more deep commitment to connect to higher power, God above and Mother Earth below me. My rituals are as mentioned what keeps my head, heart, body clean & clear. They are nuanced, and there are many … And then I ask for clarity: “What will you have me do?” “Where will you have me go?” And open to the opportunity, spontaneity, possibility, to
1. Trust.
2. Surrender.
3. Receive.
And so my intuition (or what I believe to be God speaking through me) answered,
“Just stay in your body.”

First day back, I had my “to-do” list ready, but life had other plans for me. With mind clear at 7:05A, I headed to yoga to be & breathe, because 4 days off my mat (and nearly 35+ miles running), I felt the extent that my breath was belabored. I was dying to wring out the stale energy from my muscles and bones and return “into my body.”

Class flowed and so did I, staying out of my head and “in my breath and body.” I twisted, jumped, rooted to rise, bowed down, stood on my head, my hands, found my feet. And in the last ten minutes, found my seat, in pigeon pose with shin parallel to front of mat and back leg long, I bowed down to the ground and let Mother Earth hold me. Pigeon pose is a hip opener, and the hips hold a depth of emotion. When a waltz-like song came on, surrendering completely, from head into body, my tears just started flowing. The visceral reaction from my body, emotion ie energy in motion settled, and in stillness, my heart cracked wide open as the music took me into a vivid vision of my father and me dancing at my wedding.

I’m not married. But I thought I would be by age 24. I’ve long dreamt of the day my father walks me down the aisle but now with less pressure, I stopped fixating, knowing now that no man could save me. I had to save me. And so over the passed year, instead of distracting by dating, I leaned into celibacy to focus on me. But I know my king is coming. And I also spent years both dating and distracting by attempting to “prove” my self worth through “hard work,” entrepreneurship like my dad did, until I realized that his generations’ version of, “I just want to see you happy,” more-so meant, “marriage and family,” which always presented more challenging. ”

But as time does, it keeps going and although my 79 year old father is in good health and great shape, on my mat yesterday my tears flowed feeling the deep desire for that day to come. Leaving my parents yesterday was bittersweet because time is indeed fleeting, but it isn’t about having the most but making the most of what we have. And yet, on my yoga mat, the vision of my Daddy daughter dance really struck me and it wasn’t until I left that I understood the depth of its meaning: Olivia, stop waiting. Stop waiting for the wedding to dance. Dance with him now. Tomorrow isn’t promised. Now is all we have.

When we stay in our bodies, we open up potential to feel Fully. I wiped my tears, dried my eyes, and returned to smiling, not empty but full, so lucky to have spent time with family, and so grateful for the reminder to LIVE fully.

How often do we wait for the “right time” for so many things — to share feelings, tell stories, for the wedding, to tell someone we’re sorry, or how much we love them, how much they mean? Time is fleeting. Thinking is exhausting. And so instead I’m going to stick to FEELING, everything. If we live in our heads, we can’t live in our hearts and LIVING is feeling, its not cognitive, its sensory. Picture a child, expressing. You were that child before you were conditioned to behave otherwise. Return to that - do what you feel!

Where can you feel deeper … out of your head and into your heart?
Where are you holding back … not sharing how you feel?
Where are you waiting for the right moment to ________. insert, here.

The song below wasn’t the waltz I danced to with my Dad energetically, but these lyrics have been running through my head since. Song, here.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance... I hope you dance…

I hope you dance. I love you.
Olivia