What I Realized At My Altar This Morning
Sitting in front of my altar this morning, yes I have an altar, a place I journal, meditate, pray every morning. I find stillness, sometimes sleep (on my favorite rug (inspired by my 2 year old niece – we’re matching) … something wild happened, or rather, my life changed.
For the past 48 hours I’ve been struggling with a sickness I can’t really explain, sinus infection meets sore throat meets body aches. And I don’t believe in traditional get sick take Tylenol. I believe that so often we get sick and its an energetic thing. And so I ask myself what’s going on, what’s stuck, what am I not facing or processing – typically, the questions I process every morning at my altar … (decorated with crystals, candles, trinkets, photos of me at younger ages and others that need love...)
Last night on and off 10 hours of sleep and most likely too much melatonin, the fever broke, and I woke up in a cold sweat and what I considered great success … something was happening! When I woke up this morning, put my feet on the ground as usual and thanked Mother Earth for holding me, and God for giving my body rest, I was in a bit of a haze but happy. And. Still reflecting at what was going on with me internally that my body was telling me to “STOP, Pause,” everything else can wait but you need to be still.
And so I did just that, found my sacred space to practice: my morning practices are abundant, what I do every day to ground myself before entering the world, and before moving. Stillness first – 1. meditate to clear the mind, the make space, 2. journal is my therapy, the feelings flow when I let them, it’s how I do much of my processing, and 3. prayer – I thank God for what I have and then I ask for what I want or need – sometimes a “thing,” or more often “clarity,” to “burn what doesn’t serve me, “gently” and remember who I am,” --- taught to me by a teacher, Abdi Assadi.
Today, kneeling, free flow writing in colored markers and my heart opened, I call my journal “Love Letters to God,” (you can call it whatever you want) … words pouring out of me, which I’ll share below … feels very open but this is the journey, inward to “Face Ourselves to Free Ourselves – the Flow thru the Internal Fight, and find clarity and embrace that “Messy is Sexy” – all mantras I’ve preached and were drawn on my Box + Flow walls, the one most important though was “Everything You Need is Inside.” Yep – these tools are how I get to the inside. And this is how my tools led me to my answer this morning, simply by finding the space, giving space to the feelings and poof – notice the progression, beginning to end, hello clarity.
June 16, 2023:
My fever broke last night, and I wonder what I was gripping onto. I wonder if it was related to the stuck energy or something external. I feel so much pressure in my head—I need to surrender, something. Maybe I’m over thinking .. things aren’t moving quickly, Not sure. Sweating in the middle of the night is always a pretty sure sign of something, I wish I could remember what I was dreaming. Dear God, I pray you connect me with my highest self, that I soften and surrender. Please burn what doesn’t serve me so that I can remember who I am. Thank you for the new day. For another opportunity. I pray for more clarity on “what,” to do next, keep writing? I feel home in my words. Maybe that is where I flow, just expressing, sharing. I pray you use me as a conduit for others’ healing – but I’m so tired. My anxiety feels high. I love my own company but am distracted – God what am I gripping? Forcing? Suffocating? My body doesn’t want to grip, it wants flow, float, surrender. It wants to be free. I want to be free.
WOW. That’s it. I’m still defining myself by doing. I’m still defining myself by what I’m accomplishing. I’m still trying to be seen?! . But that’s not real. None of that is real – fortune, notoriety. What’s real is how I show up in every moment. In my heart, not what I do, but who I am?! I know that’s not my worth consciously but this feels like its rooted deeper, this is In me. I’m still trying to prove my worth – Its not about a book, its about helping others. Loving others. Healing others.
Its just love.
The rest is extra. So, there begs the question: Am I showing up with love? Or in pain or fear? Am I showing up in lack or in love? Olivia, it doesn’t matter what you – what you have – what matters is how you love.”
^^and sometimes I believe that God speaks through me, gives me the answers as I’m writing…
Worth / success is a funny thing. How we define ourselves is how we will be defined. Sitting with myself this morning I undid the knot, probably what was making me sick for the past two days, too fixated on “doing” instead of being, coming off of a very busy last week and a lot of energy around “proving, ”And so, this morning, I decided to change the way I define success, and how I define myself -- our subconcious programming continues to run the show until we retrain our brains to think otherwise, and so: I’m not what I do, I’m not a book or a story, I’m not my Instagram following or the size of my body. I’m not my bank account, my client roster, my designer shoes. I’m not my business or my appearance, my relationship status or lack thereof. NEITHER ARE YOU, unless you want to be. I’m worthy simply because I am. And how I define success? Well as of now, it is simply of how much I love. I think I’ve thought this for a while but it wasn’t until now that I’ve committed to it fully. I’m committed to love, period.
BIG EXHALE> A lot, no? Personal, yes? And if you’ve read this far I hope you have a few takeaways.
Morning practice is powerful (or whenever you make space for yourself)
Meditate – make space in the mind
Journal – face the feelings
Pray – gratitude for what you have, ask for what you want.
Additional practices to make space in the body
Movement – get out of your way
We can figure out our own problems, undo our own knots, get out of our heads if we make the space to. We are our BEST healers.
YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU DO, what you have, -- unless YOU define yourself as such. You choose. Me? I’m choosing from this day forward to define myself worthy simply because, to decide that I’m enough by how much I LOVE – GIVE and RECEIVE.
Happy Friday, I love you, Olivia