Cowboys & Psychonauts: It's Just Love
I went on a spontaneous date with a cowboy last eve, early. Austin transplant from Kentucky, “recovering architect,” his profile read. He seemed sweet. I told him I was available at 5p before an event at 6:30. He was accomodating, met me downtown, let me know with ample time, "it's looking more like 5:15.”
He ordered the "banana hammock" cocktail, and given he's a Kentucky cowboy, it seemed clear he didn't know what that meant, and given I'm from Miami, I did. The waitress asked for a credit card immediately. Kentucky pulled out his wallet and typically, I offer, but it felt like he wanted to be in the drivers seat, and I’ve learned to receive. “Do men typically ask you to split the bill? I’m a gentleman, old fashioned,"he said. “My ex-girlfriend was really anti said gestures, would never even let me open the car door," He said. “It sounds like she had trouble receiving love,” I replied. He looked at me as if I’d revealed something extraordinary. “I think maybe you’re right …” It’s possible in that very moment I demystified the cause of their breakup..
After a brief sixty minutes of casual conversation, introspection, and inquiry, I left to my next experience, a Psy T meet-up, a first for me. The Psychedelic Society of Texas, “creates space for individuals to discuss various aspects of the psychedelic experience. Specifically, we aim to provide individuals a platform to discuss how these experiences have contributed to transformations in their personal and professional lives.” — As per their website.
I was a bit nervous showing up solo, but I feel very called to be a part of this mission because psychedelics have had such a profound impact in my own journey and the book I’ve spent years pouring into is about how these substances and other modalities helped me saved my life, and so I asked my fear to step aside and I showed up. Upon entry, still skeptical, I took a photo of the poster outside and sent a quick text to my best friend, “Looks suspect, should I leave?” “Try it!” She said. Sacha typically says the right things. And so I did. I entered the un-airconditioned space along with 40 other curious, and sweaty, psychonauts ages ranging from 35 to 80. It was a mixed bag, no doubt, and hot in the 95 degree Texas heat.
Chairs were huddled in groups of four, and so I grabbed my name tag and joined a woman who looked kind enough, after grabbing a gratis sparkling water from the lucky ice back in the corner. Steve, age 80-ish, sat next to me and David, a lobbyist advocating policy reform and legalization across the seat. A loud hum went to a soft hush as the chapter head (there are chapters all over Texas) took the lead, feeding us first rules and then simple instructions, “10 minutes to answer each question, collectively, so if you like to talk, make sure you give other people the hot seat, too.” Questions ranged from personal experience to thoughts on legalization and otherwise – we basically took it where we wanted it to go. I shared my phenomenal journey of NYC entrepreneur to diving into 5MEO-DMT to excavating and integrating.
The Ketamine therapist next to me shared her stories, David across spoke of his 20 year marriage pre covid when the world shut down and the quiet led to LSD and introspection and his wife of twenty years realizing she was a lesbian, and then there was Steve. Steve just returned from a 10-day darkness retreat, where you just sit with yourself in darkness. Steve who at 80 is still curious about learning why he operates as he does, who has a 5MEO-DMT pen at home … soft spoken Steve who listened intently and spoke openly but at one point turned and looked at me funny when after sharing much of the violent trauma I've lived through, I mentioned my greatest learning: that without all of the extra, the shame, story, guilt, inadequacy, attachment, condition, resume, and otherwise, we are just love, simply. We are worthy simply because, we are.
He said. “Do you have magic love dust in your bag or something?” I smiled and opened my purse, jokingly. And I felt my heart skip a beat, sad, actually, because of the recurring theme: the stigma that we have to “do” something to be lovable, that we’re not worthy, simply, our collective inability to truly receive love...
I explained the example of a newborn baby, using my hands to signal holding new life, delivering this "new baby," and everyone fawning over the sweet bundle of joy, lovable quite simply. “A baby doesn’t do anything to receive love. It doesn’t have a resume or a tax return or model looks or a 23” inch waist or … A baby, like all humans, are lovable simply because. And so are we. When we strip away the extra, the only thing left is love.”
And I'll repeat, Without Pain, conditioning, reason, doubt, fear, anxiety, insecurity -- we return back to what we came from --
the only thing left, is Love. Steve requested pixie dust again, assuming perhaps, that even at the moment I was "on something," which I wasn't. Just high on life, happy to be here, alive -- a gift that keeps on giving, as Kesha says in my new favorite song, titled, "Only Love Can Save Us Now," the lyrics, "I got no shame left, baby that's my freedom." -- ME TOO.
For years I didn’t think i was worthy, not lovable, so many stories separating me from just being, needing to prove myself worthy by doing. And all of my work healing, plant medicine, sure and many other modalities, finding stillness daily to be and breathe, to journal, dig deeper into spirituality and move my body thoughtfully to come out of the madness of my mind, all constant commitment to bring me home into me, into my heart – where love is abundant, there is no limit. And because I’ve filled myself up with so much love, now I can give it endlessly. And because I was void for decades, I know how to help heal the lack felt by so many. Before the night ended, I gave Steve a big hug, and the cowboy earlier before I left. And came home feeling full knowing that without pain, all that is left, is love, and that my work here continues to be clear – to bring people back into their hearts.
But to acknowledge love is to admit that there is a void, a lack there of – the space between you and actualizing that you are worthy, simply because. And in that space, you might admit that you fill it with things: food, booze, substance, dating, drinking, scrolling, sexting, texting, netflixing, or anything else to keep you busy so that you don’t have to face the empty you’re feeling and filling. That’s where I come in.
To hold you as you face yourself to free yourself,
Learn you to love you (LIVYOUNG)
And realize that everything you need is inside. It’s just love. If you’re ready, so am I.
When you LIV in love – fight becomes flow and what was hard becomes easy.
If you’re interested in 1:1 coaching,
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Either way, email me and we can connect from there.
All my love, Olivia
My sessions with Olivia feel like reading a great self-help book condensed into an hour. She is full of wisdom and insights that hit you to the core and resonate throughout your entire being. I think it's because she is so authentic and has gone through the mud, the very dark woods, in such an honest way that she can intuitively feel what you need to hear. I love how I feel after speaking to her. The most important lesson I've learned from her is that all this "work" doesn't have to be so hard.