Does "Nothing to Do" Make You Anxious Too?

I used to wake up at 5A, workout, work, run around all day, to date, to dinner, to bed, to do it all again, filling time and space because I couldn’t much tolerate my own company. Stillness, besides shavasanah on my yoga mat was foreign to me. These days, I do things a bit differently (stillness is the first thing I commit to dutifully, daily -- pre movement). Yesterday, around 10A post ritual, workout and work done, I found myself with freedom -- nothing. to. do. WHAT? Really?
That’s when the anxiety crept in… 
Nothing to do. Nothing to do. In the anxiety I sometimes lose myself — needing to fill with something. 
And so I check in. 
What do you do with nothing to do? I thought. And then realized, the gift (and challenge being presented). And so I paused, took a breath and reframed my thinking. 
The question that came to me wasn’t “WHAT but WHO?”

WHO WOULD YOU BE IF YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO? AND NOTHING TO PROVE? 
In other words, at your core, who are you? 

I put on my pink shorts, similar to the ones I wore as a baby,  and messy hair and one heart sock (couldn’t find the matching pair), and a ring of my Grandmother Honey’s. I spent 7.5 miles, wandering, not doing just being, me. Chomping on bazooka from my fanny pack, snacking on pistachios, the shells inconvenient but I stashed them in my pack too. I didn’t walk fast. I had no where to be. People walked and ran past, fast and I reflected on our “need to be busy” squeezing things in … filling time and space doing, proving, instead of just being…
But the being is where the magic lives. 

At first I walked towards Downtown which felt chaotic to me, my nervous system alarmed by the noisy surroundings, and so I leaned in and began listening, closer into me. I let my body lead me, back towards the lake, to water and greenery. When I felt constriction, I course corrected turned around or kept going. City life doesn’t much suit me … but Austin has a nice mixed of nature and noisy, for me, at least temporarily. As I wandered, I let my awe take over me, no music, no podcast, just listening to my inner knowing and the vast gorgeousness surrounding me. 

Step by step I wrote my own love story — no beginning nor ending even, just moment to moment. Eventually I found myself grocery shopping, browsing the aisles, collecting treasures (gorgeous roses, raw walnuts, anchovies) and wandering home to find stillness after an afternoon of joy, solitude and inquiry. Then a quick change to meet a friend for oysters and head on shrimp … the nasty bits, messy, tasty, and squirted all over the bartender and me. I went home sober of substance (besides shrimp heads), but drunk in love with everything. With nothing to do, nowhere to be, just being in the moment, just being me. 

Who would you be if you had nothing to do and nothing to prove? Check in. 
Try love. If the answer isn’t love — Evaluate. Check yourself. And step into all the places nooks and crannies, stories excuses pain points habits patterns people that aren’t serving you — energetically holding you back from being that which you already are. It’s just love. You are love. You are lovely.
Happy Saturday x
Olivia 

Join me for my LEARN YOU TO LOVE YOU: Self Love Workshop.
 Simply reply YES here for the zoom link. Lets rewrite the story. 
On Monday 5/22 at 7P EST
**spots are limited 

Read my recent post about my views on Austin vs. NYC, here.